Willian, Anzhi Agree to Terms with Chelsea

We regret to inform you that following a bout of Sudden Onset Chelsea Bid, Willian Borges da Silva, 25, of Ribeirão Pires, Brazil passed on to Stamford Bridge today.

Willian is survived by his three previous clubs — Corinthians (b. 1910), Shakhtar Donetsk (b. 1936 ), and Anzhi Makhachkala (b. 1991) — and his two estranged suitors, Liverpool FC (b. 1892) and Tottenham Hotspur (b. 1882). He is preceded by his fellow Liverpool targets, Henrikh Mkhitaryan (Borussia Dortmund) and Diego Costa (Atletico Madrid).

Known for his "moxie," in happier times Willian was described by our very own Reverend Dowley:

The Brazilian is an absolute wonder of a player: lightning-quick, can play anywhere in the attacking midfield band, and is equally deft with creative passing and shooting. The gravy on this one is that he actually has a solid defensive work rate as well, as displayed against good competition in previous Champions League campaigns with Shaktar.

Willian's loss will be mourned by many here at The Liverpool Offside. Services will be held today by our friends at We Ain't Got No History. In lieu of flowers, Chelsea FC request that donations be made in Willian's name to the club's bottomless transfer war chest.

More from The Liverpool Offside:

• Willian Close to Chelsea Move
• Real Madrid Preparing Suarez Bid
• Looking Through the Window
• Everything's the Worst: Reality Bites Edition
• Daniel Sturridge Ready to "Rise to the Pressure"