The transfer window is officially open and probably needs to have a hefty word with itself. You should know why, but on the surprising chance that you don't, read the next sentence. Hulk has joined Shanghai SIPG for £45.7 million. Yes, this is a ridiculous deal even by new Premier League TV deal 2016-19 standards. Hulk is 29 but turns 30 later this month, and although he's not exactly the hot property he used to be, the Brazilian will earn £320,000 a week in China.
For those keeping track, Hulk moved to Zenit Saint Petersburg for £33 million in 2012 and has once again moved for bonkers money. His agent must be pleased, though! This would be the part where a joke is made about a Chinese club buying an unwanted Liverpool striker, but Crystal Palace have become West Ham on crack. Alan Pardew can dance whenever and wherever he wants.
There have been quite a few done deals to catch up on since the last edition last popped up for air ten days ago, which means that we're in full swing with summer transfer window madness.
Premier League Done Deals
Before Crystal Palace decided to try to become Liverpool's sweetheart for the summer, there was a big Pardew-coloured bid for Michy Batshuayi. The 22-year-old rejected a move to learn from Pardiola but still moved to London, and so, Chelsea now have a £33 million striker to work with Diego Costa. Lots of clubs were tracking this kid; maybe the Blues can nurture him to make up for the botching the sound plan for Romelu Lukaku to eventually succeed Didier Drogba. In a new development, will the hunky Graziano Pellè be the support striker for Batshuayi and Costa? It would be an interesting move by Antonio Conte.
Despite missing out on Batshuayi, Palace have been busy. Steve Mandanda (£1.4 million) and Andros Townsend (£13 million) have both joined the South London club. Good deals for a solid Premier League side looking to push on. Dwight Gayle, though, is no longer a Palace player after joining relegated Newcastle for around £10 million. Matt Richie also moved from the Premier League to the Championship, joining Gayle's new club for £12 million from Bournemouth. Newcastle need solid campaigners in their mid-twenties to get promoted and made sure the selling clubs were well-rewarded. Rafa doing work.
Rafa's old nemesis also wants a Spike Lee documentary to be named after his sporting deeds. Mourinho isn't messing about. Although it seems from this most vaingloriously insignificant corner of the universe, Mino Raiola isn't taking any prisoners either. Raiola went and stole Jorge Mendes' spot like a boss. Zlatan Ibrahimović and Henrikh Mkhitaryan -- both Raiola clients -- have joined Manchester United. Zlatan came on a free transfer, signing a one-year deal to reunite with Mourinho after their single season together at Internazionale.
Henrikh Mkhitaryan is in England for his medical. Borussia Dortmund really do take some hits in the transfer market but still keep going. Don't laugh Liverpool fans as you're going to have to take the Philippe Coutinho hit in the next season or two. Spurs fans can also chill out as there's always a hit lurking somewhere. It's the way of this mad, mad world. Whether it's £200,000 or £250,000, Ross Geller is getting paid! Zlatan is obviously getting paid, but let's be real, he's Zlatan. Zlatan always gets paid.
Nolito has joined Manchester City for just under £14 million. Should we just say that Nolito has joined Pep Guardiola, because that's the bottom line, no? Manchester City have oil and cash reserves, Champions League football, and an alluring manager to make everything happen. Maybe Pep is just hanging back letting Mourinho do all the running for Paul Pogba before swooping in with his skinny jeans to sexy up the damn place. As for Nolito, he's set to be a squad player in the biggest move of his career and has secured a four-year contract. The 29-year-old was linked with Barcelona, but that deal didn't happen perhaps due to his age and role. Oh, and Man City signed a 19-year-old who looks about 40 in this picture. Maybe it's a case of a snap at a bad time. It happens.
The Premier League champions are preparing for life without N'Golo Kanté by snaring Nampalys Mendy for a fee believed to be a club record. The 24-year-old links up again with Claudio Ranieri after their time together at Monaco and could help the Foxes continue to surprise clubs in England's top flight. This could be £13 million well spent. Don't think you're swiftly moving on, because the Premier League champions (you better recognise) aren't done dagnabbit. Ahmed Musa is going to be the player who will break the record that was recently broken after Leicester City agreed a fee with CSKA Moscow for the Nigerian international. Musa is 23 and absolutely rapid in an extremely rapid way that makes you want to let people know just how rapid he actually is. £23 million or £16 million to ensure the beguiling counter attacks continue with variety and persistence?
Grzegorz Krychowiak -- an absolute dream beast of a central midfielder -- has joined Paris Saint-Germain for €30 million and follows Unai Emery from Sevilla to PSG. Emery signed a two-year deal to succeed Blanc and was joined by Hatem Ben Arfa -- Lord Ben Arfa to you heathens. Ben Arfa bossed his way to PSG on a free transfer and hurt Sevilla's feelings in the process. A part of the North-West remembers.
Dani Alves has finally moved to Juventus on a freebie, a deal that was essentially done some time ago. At Alves' former club, Samuel Umtiti made a £24.6 million move to effectively end Thomas Vermaelen's afflicted stint in Catalonia. Let's hope Umtiti doesn't go the way of Dmytro Chygrynskiy. In Turkey, Fenerbahçe made two surprise moves in Gregory van der Wiel (done) and Roman Neustädter (imminent) to signal their intentions once more. Two former Manchester United players in Nani and Robin van Persie, however, look to be on their way out of Fener. Nani is linked with a move to Stoke, while RVP is being hawked to Liverpool's Premier League pals.
Southampton appointed Claude Puel on a three-year contract, a bit of news that flew under the radar. Rudi Garcia and Manuel Pellegrini were linked to become Ronald Koeman's successor, but the Saints plumped for the 54-year-old to continue an impressive success story. They may have sold Victor Wanyama and Sadio Mané without a manager, but Nathan Redmond has at least theoretically filled in for Mané. The task is to continue moving forward. Hopefully the former Monaco, Lille, Lyon, and Nice manager will be able to play his part as Nigel Adkins, Mauricio Pochettino, and Ronald Koeman did before him.
Don't forget, Troy Deeney signed a new contract! Now people will scratch their heads at other transfers instead of wondering how Deeney is somehow worth £30 million. If you are good between this edition and the next one, maybe Liverpool will have sold both Mario Balotelli and Christian Benteke for absolutely shocking but grotesquely titillating transfer fees. Until then, here's a nourishing morsel to tide you over.
"You can count me out - I've made it clear how I'd have liked the job in the past but they aren't going to consider me now."
Cheers for that, Harry. Really cleared up any potential job speculation on the England job for us, ta.