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The Idiot Optimist’s Guide to Liverpool’s 2020/21 Season

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Quadruple, here we come.

Liverpool Training Session Photo by Andrew Powell/Liverpool FC via Getty Images

To paraphrase a Kop chant: Corona can get to fuck, we’re gonna win the cup.

All of ‘em, in fact.

That’s right, it’s the dawn of a new season! And even if we didn’t have one of, if not the, best squads in the world, we should be optimistic. If you can’t be optimistic before a ball is kicked, when can you be?

So, let’s make a few predictions, shall we?


September

It’s not the easiest start for the Reds, but that’s exactly how the last two seasons started! And those turned out fairly well. After seeing off a tricky Leeds United, we’ll travel to Stamford Bridge. Despite Frankie’s new toys, Liverpool put another 5 past the Blues, and Lampard will only be left to whine about the arrogant Reds. Unlucky. Arsenal might be on the up, but Anfield remains a house of horrors for them. They’ve conceded at least 3 goals with every trip to Anfield since 2014, with the “at least” doing some heavy lifting.

Liverpool finish the first month of the season as they finished the last month of last season: top of the pile.

October

Kloppo manages his way to a rare win at Goodison Park, and the Reds are flying high. Liverpool are drawn into a tough Champions League group, including recent nemesis Barcelona. It doesn’t matter. We’re not locked in the group with them, they’re locked in the group with us.

The Reds see off West Ham, with the added bonus of giving David Moyes the sack. It’s a perfect 7 wins out of 7 for the Reds.

November

The month starts with Manchester City away. Pep has flashbacks to last year as it appears Trent Alexander-Arnold handles the ball in the box, just prior to springing a deadly counterattack. The Reds beat City and then Leicester City the week after, and already have a stranglehold on the league.

Bonus: Donald Trump loses the election by double-digit percentage points.

Double Bonus: An effective COVID-19 vaccine is approved for use, and distribution starts soon thereafter.

December

Liverpool continue their winning run in the league, and they’ve wrapped up the “Group of Death” with a match to go. However, Barcelona still need a win at Anfield to qualify. With the vaccine now widely available, it’s a packed and ravenous house. Barca take an early lead, but goals by Gini Wijnaldum, Mo Salah, and Divock Origi ultimately crush their hopes of advancing. Good luck in the Europa League, lads.

The Reds are top at Christmas, and finish the year seeing off Newcastle, their 16th win out of 16.

January

Jurgen Klopp is beginning to get annoyed. Our youth teams just can’t stop winning in the EFL and FA Cups. Harvey Elliott has bagged a goal in each round of the League Cup, and fires Liverpool through to the final against Manchester City’s full-strength squad. The Baby Reds also end Everton’s FA Cup run early, ensuring that they still haven’t won a trophy since 1995.

Liverpool continue cruising in the league. Manchester United can’t handle us at Anfield, and the Reds see of Spurs on the road. Jose Mourinho is left to once again mumble in amazement about how Andy Robertson can have so much energy running up and down the touchline.

Bonus: Trump is arrested after refusing to leave office (and for the countless other crimes committed while in office). He finally gets a suit to match his skin tone.

February

February might look tricky on paper. Manchester City and Leicester come back-to-back once again, and there’s another Merseyside Derby.

But Liverpool keep on truckin’. City and Everton cannot live with the Anfield crowd, who are still busy celebrating both last season and the current one. A win at King Power Stadium sees Leicester slipping into the bottom 10, and Brendan Rodgers gets the sack.

Meanwhile, the Champions League resumes and Liverpool are unlucky to draw Real Madrid. Mohamed Salah has revenge on his mind, and puts 4 past Los Blancos at the Bernabéu, giving Sergio Ramos the dirtiest of dirty stares after each one.

The Reds finish the month by winning the EFL Cup Final over Chelsea. Youth captain Harvey Elliott gets the lifting honors as James Milner and Jordan Henderson watch on from the stands. Lampard thought Elliott was really arrogant, remarking, “He’s only won one league cup, and givin’ it da big ‘un.”

March

The league is a procession at this point, as no side can lay a glove on us. Wolves come close, but a Sadio Mane screamer denies them a draw. Chelsea travel to Anfield, and suffer yet another 5 goal drubbing, something that is becoming a tradition at this point. Lampard complains that Firmino’s assist for the 5th “was a bit arrogant, like.”

April

Pundit chatter about a perfect season is growing. Four more matches and four more wins. A win over Arsenal breaks Liverpool’s own record for the earliest a season is won.

Liverpool draw Juventus in the Champions League quarterfinals, and Cristiano Ronaldo is left crying on the Anfield pitch after a 7-0 aggregate win.

May

Everyone thinks that Liverpool’s winning streak will have to end at Old Trafford. After all, Jurgen Klopp has yet to register a win there in any competition. But these Reds are just too good, and show the enormous gulf in class and managerial prowess.

Liverpool draw Chelsea in the Champions League semifinal, bringing back memories from the mid-2000s. But this is not another classic tie, and it is not decided by a ghost goal. Liverpool qualify for the final, in Istanbul, with a 10-2 aggregate win.

Liverpool’s penultimate league match is postponed for the FA Cup Final. Klopp continues sending out the youths, and they see off Manchester United to lift the cup.

The Reds finish the league campaign with a perfect 38 wins from 38. And the crowd gets to be there for most of it.

But there is still the matter of the final. Liverpool come up against Bayern Munich. Two 6-time winners, and winners of the last two Champions Leagues. Liverpool don’t need to rely on another miracle in Istanbul, instead winning an exciting final 3-1, joining AC Milan for second place with 7 European Cups.

The city gets their long-awaited parade, with the lads all proudly displaying all 4 trophies.