Burnley 0 - 2 Liverpool
Reds: Núñez 6’, Jota 90’
I’m just a boy, standing in front of Liverpool, asking them for a comfortable win against a bad team for once. They will not do this. Doing his part to ensure the imminent slog will be friend of the club Paul Tierney, the baldest and most Mancunian bald of them all. Plus he’s bald.
Liverpool must have read my shitposting, and decided to score an early goal. On the road? Against relegation fodder? In this economy? Cody Gakpo plays a ball to Darwin Núñez just outside the area, and the Uruguayan striker curled it into the far corner. Imagine being Burnley, watching Darwin miss sitter after sitter, only for him to do that? Chaos Himbo gonna Chaos Himbo.
It is fairly one-way traffic as expected, with Burnley only managing a couple of attempts from distance.
Liverpool appeared to double their lead but Tierney chalked it off for a phantom foul in the build up. He was reportedly visibly aroused while denying Liverpool a goal (reported by me, I reported it). A moment later Salah absolutely leathered one off the crossbar, thereby extending Liverpool’s lead atop the Premier League “hit woodwork” table. “Top of the hit woodwork table, you’ll never sing that!”
Liverpool are happy to start the second half passing it around Burnley’s half, patiently waiting for a chance to strike. And then! They create a beautiful team goal, or at least that’s what we thought, until VAR intervenes to chalk it off, claiming that Mo Salah was interfering with the keeper. Tierney will have to call a doctor in about 4 hours after his erection still hasn’t gone away.
Burnley appear bouyed by the second bullshit chalking off, and are enjoying a little bit of possession for the first time today. Klopp responds by bringing on Diaz, Szoboszlai, and Jones for Gakpo, Elliott, and Gravenberch. Let’s fuck these.
Tierney & Co. have conspired to turn what should have been a comfortable win into an actual football match. With ten minutes left to go, let’s hope the lads can hold on to their advantage, though it’s starting to look shaky.
Klopp brings on DIOGO JOTA! WELCOME BACK WE’VE MISSED YOU!!! (Insert hearts in eyes emoji). I hope he’s been practicing his cryptic celebrations that only he understands.
And Jota scores! What a return! Diaz is played through, backheels it to Jota, who slots from a tight angle. Then does the gator chomp? Sure, buddy. We missed you too. Pick that out of the goal you bald prick, Tierney.
LIBPOOL, TOP OF THE LEAGUE, LIBPOOL LIBPOOL TOP OF THE LEAGUE. It should’ve been more comfortable, but we’ll take it!