Exclusive: Liverpool Players Reveal Their New Year’s Resolutions

This morning we can officially give a not-so-fond farewell to 2021, and welcome (?) 2022 which promises to be at least as horrible as its predecessor as we enter year 3 of pandemic living.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Anyway, until the day comes when the world has completely turned us all into humorless husks of human beings, we can take a few minutes to laugh at the extremely made-up new year’s resolutions of those in and around Liverpool Football Club.

• Andy Robertson: Really earn the next red card. Top 5 2022 targets: Cristiano Ronaldo, Jordan Pickford, Richarlison, Bernardo Silva...dunno, probably someone else from the Ev. Bonus Resolution: Think of another Ev player to boot.
• Virgil van Dijk: I don’t need a resolution, I’m already perfect.
• James Milner: Continue double life of world class assassin and the world’s “most boring” professional footballer. They don’t suspect a thing.
• Jordan Henderson: Try a few more long-distance volleys. I’m sure one’s bound to go in at some point. Bonus Resolution: Try it while shouting “Gerrarrrrrrdddddddddd!”
• Divock Origi: What is even the significance of January 1st but the arbitrary delineation of a “new year,” to mark yet another orbit of a mere speck of dust around an insignificant star among trillions in this vast universe? And moreover, what is the significance of the year 2022, which almost certainly does not correspond to any actual “year 1,” and the supposed birth year of one world religion’s savior? Did you know that up until the 18th century, Europeans celebrated the New Year on various dates, including December 25th, March 1st, and March 25th? And now that we celebrate this year, on this date, it’s not only certainly inaccurate, but yet another man-made construct intended to put order to that which is inherently chaotic and meaningless? Sorry, what was the question?
• Pep Lijnders: Try to work “intense” and “intensity” into more sentences.
• Mohamed Salah: Win the League Cup, FA Cup, Premier League, Champions League, African Cup of Nations, Ballon d’Or, Premier League Golden Boot, Champions League Golden Boot, AFCON Golden Boot, UEFA Super League, Club World Cup, PFA Player of the Year, etc.
• Sadio Mané: Win the League Cup, FA Cup, Premier League, Champions League, African Cup of Nations, Ballon d’Or, Premier League Golden Boot, Champions League Golden Boot, AFCON Golden Boot, UEFA Super League, Club World Cup, PFA Player of the Year, etc.
• Diogo Jota: Can you come back after I finish this FIFA match? Cheers mate.
• Roberto Firmino: Three words: More. Gold. Clothing.

Any other resolutions I missed out on? Let us know in the comments below!