It’s Time to Talk About the Curse on Liverpool Football Club

We’ve held off on this for long enough. The season is continuing to happen and yet the elephant in the room has remained unquestioned and unexamined. It’s time we asked the hard questions: who put the curse on Liverpool Men’s Football Club and why?

To begin with, let’s deal with the first issue: is there a curse? To which I ask: do you really think the injuries this season, the inability for the ball to actually go into the net even when it seems like it absolutely has to go in, the sudden reversal in fortunes (or ‘underperforming our xG’ for the people who like stats) can all be explained as the result of simple ‘poor luck’ or do you agree that there has to be something nefarious in the air that absolutely must be investigated? I thought so.

Let’s move on to the crux of our investigation and lay out our theories as to what exactly is going on at Liverpool FC.

1. As established, there is a curse.
2. It’s evidently a powerful curse.
3. It’s hitting some parts of the club harder than others.
4. This really seems to suggest some kind of personal vendetta.
5. ...and perhaps a deep knowledge of exactly where to hit the club to make it hurt the most (right in the centre-back).

There’s no reason to go around accusing any one particular person of doing this to the club. There’s absolutely no proof as to what said cargo-pants-with-a-cardigan-wearing person may have done that has seen them become completely calm this season (as compared to the last one). There’s nothing to pin any action on the coach of the club at the top of the table who has done nothing wrong but definitely has an obsessive knowledge of the Reds and exactly how he would hurt us. It would be slander and/or libel (I’m not a lawyer, don’t ask me which) to suggest anyone, let alone someone who’s had a very meme-able rage fit while losing at Anfield, would go out of his way to invoke a curse to avoid the meme being used incessantly should Liverpool win the league twice in a row.

So naturally we’re not going to suggest that. And since we’re not going to suggest that, does anyone else have any viable theories on the cause of The Curse?