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A Necessary Update on James Milner

The most important football update there is.

Liverpool FC Portrait Archive Photo by Andrew Powell/Liverpool FC via Getty Images

When the quarantine began for a lot of us, there was a heated discussion on many platforms on which footballers would be the best to share your space with during this difficult time. Some people chose James Milner, and others were simply wrong. “Why James Milner,” you might have asked in the dawn of the quarantine, when your eyes were still dewy, your tail still bushy, and you still understood the passage of time.

“Why James Milner, when we can opt for the best looking footballer, or the footballer best known for partying, or the footballer who is best at football? Why would we choose a boring footballer whose only remarkable quality is being organised and minding his own business?”

I assume by this point, on the 29084239084th of March, you have come around to the value of James Milner: the only footballer you would not kill after extended exposure in a small space.

Luckily for us, James Milner knew exactly what his appeal was at the beginning of the quarantine and treated us to some of the best football content the internet has seen so far. But the thing to admire about Liverpool’s vice-captain and Most Boring Footballer Around is that he keeps giving.

Since we last checked in on him, Milner has been polishing rocks (and writing terrible puns to go with his Instagram posts):

And gently ribbing his teammates about their team yoga practice:

Will Milner continue to entertain in the most groan-worthy manner possible until it’s safe to restart football? We can almost definitely count on it.

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