The Comprehensive Guide to Liverpool Football Players as Food

Liverpool last played football a little more than a week ago but it feels as though it might as well have been a decade since we las saw Jürgen Klopp’s Big Red Crushing Machine running around the pitch. And, as the Covid pandemic spreads, like it might be a few more decades before we get to see them again.

It also feels as though we might be starting to run out of things to talk about given we’re meant to be a place that, you know, covers Liverpool Football Club. But we have also, now and then over the years, been something of a food blog. Which led us to an intriguing—and quite entirely necessary if we do say so ourselves—question. Namely, if Liverpool Football Club’s football players were foods, which foods would they be?

Without further ado, then, we bring you our comprehensive guide. To Liverpool players. As food.

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Fabinho / Rack of Lamb

They’re very tall. I mean, seriously, just look at how tall they are.

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Roberto Firmino / Sashimi

Stunning technique but sometimes you get done eating and are still hungry for goals.

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Andy Robertson / Lasagne

It can be easy to overlook just how much work goes into making it.

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James Milner / Bandeja Paisa

Hearty comfort food and rarely the most exciting option but always gets the job done.

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Jordan Henderson / Rice

Easy to overlook until it’s gone and you realise it’s what tied everything together.

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Alisson Becker / Churrasco

That’s a lot of beef.

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Gini Wijnaldum / Hot Pot

Maximum hotness. I’m sweating just thinking about it.

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Virgil van Dijk / Munchie Box

Overwhelming. Intimidating. Truly a colossus.

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Mohamed Salah / Beef Wellington

All the best ingredients and a staple of haute cuisine, but overlooked by many.

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Trent Alexander-Arnold / Scouse

He’s local, like.