The shutdown of football is a good thing. There shouldn’t be any arguments about this (especially not as we see the way countries are shutting down completely to deal with the spread of COVID-19). The fact that we’re all sitting at home with absolutely no football to watch poses a serious problem for our collective ability to entertain ourselves, however. Luckily, some brilliant visionaries have come up with a solution that we can all partake in: self-insert fanfiction starring our favourite football coach.
Comedian and genius, Laura Lexx put Gabriel Garcia Marquez to shame with a Twitter thread that will go down in history: an exploration of love in the time of coronavirus.
The entire thread is one that should be bookmarked, printed, bound, and kept beside your bed for late night comfort reading, but gems include this terrible pun:
If I ever met Jurgen Klopp I’d say “omg if we have a baby we should call it Klipp” just so he’d raise an eyebrow at me and tell me I’m a moron and I’d be so naked by the time he’d finished doing that.— Laura Lexx (@lauralexx) March 13, 2020
And several very relatable fantasies of what women want in relationships, including:
Every morning he’d eat Weetabix because it’s “not that sugary crap” and I’d have my pop tarts and he’d roll his eyes but not criticise out loud because he’s not been to medical school so it’s not his area of expertise.— Laura Lexx (@lauralexx) March 13, 2020
Is this a weird thing that happened on the internet given Klopp is a real person who is also very happily married? Maybe. Does that make it any of your business to pass judgement on it? Nope! Should you take a leaf out of her book and consider what your love life could look like with various non-terrible Liverpool stars in the comments of this article? Definitely.
Seriously, though. Things are scary and everything (for a lot of us in the U.S. and U.K., definitely) are going to get worse before they begin to improve. Indulging in escapism, in increasingly ridiculous fantasies about all our favourite players and coaches, and laughing about all of the above with our friends can only make things more bearable.