Editor’s Note: Back in October, we received a package addressed to “AJ, Hardboiled Detective Writer” sent to the TLO offices. There was no return address, but it did say it was from “Q.” The only other thing of note is that it looked like the box had been re-purposed from another mailing with part of the label still remaining. It read, “-fe Racers Clu-”
Inside the box was a DVD that apparently features a few episodes of a Liverpool-centric reality show called Behind the Boot Room. Besides wondering what conception of physics could even lead one to ponder what might be behind any boot room, we were intrigued by what scenes could be contained there.
What we found was an incredible treasure trove of LFC-related content that we intend to give to you during breaks in LFC play. Part 1 can be found here. Part 2 takes place shortly after Liverpool’s victory over Manchester City. And part three features the scenes immediately after Saturday’s win against Norwich City. How, given that we received these videos back in October? THE MAGIC OF TECHNOLOGY/THE POSTAL SERVICE, THAT’S HOW.
INT. Liverpool locker room, in front of Roberto Firmino’s locker which is flanked, naturally, by Mohamed Salah and Sadio Mane.
Bobby: ...well, I think I could’ve done it but, ya know, the wind.
Voiceover while camera pans to Sadio and Mo throwing glances at each other.
Sadio (voice over): We all get pretty competitive between the three of us. When one scores a goal, we each immediately get to breaking down how we’d have run the play on our own or start thinking of other ways we ‘d have scored.
INT. Mo talking head
Mo: The competitiveness might seem a bit much for everyone, but it’s really in good fun. Though...
INT. Camera pulls from Mo’s face to reveal that Sadio is seated next to him. Mo turns towards Sadio.
Mo:...I think we need to be clear that Bobby wasn’t being competitive about goals here.
Sadio, shaking head: No. Uh...no...he was not talking about scoring goals here.
EXT. Bobby walking through a verdant field. Looking pensive. Wearing a newsboy cap. It’s like he’s an extra in Mary Poppins.
Bobby (voice over): A lot of people don’t know that I have passions that extend beyond football. I mean, obviously I’m into fashion and...
Disembodied voice (probably James Milner): teeth whitening!
INT. Bobby looking annoyed.
Bobby: Philanthropy. I was going to say philanthropy. But what people don’t know...
EXT. Back to Bobby out in the field.
Bobby (voice over): ...is that I have a big time fondness for kites.
Int. Mo and Sadio talking head.
Mo: Bobby and his fucking kites, man.
Sadio, shaking his head: Bobby and his fucking kites.
Mo: So, yeah, he wasn’t marveling over Sadio’s gorgeous take.
Sadio shakes head.
Mo: No, he was complaining about how he would’ve have been able have his kite go higher if it weren’t so windy.
Sadio: Bobby’s seriously obsessed. I mean, Mo, remember the Oscars party? Guy nearly ruined that talking about his kites.
INT. Jurgen Klopp’s living room. The whole team is huddled around a TV and waiting with bated breath.
TV screen:...and the winner is, Parasite!
INT. Entire room erupts in applause except for Bobby who is clearly re-enacting how he plans to fly his kite later that week, with arm gestures and, somehow, a giant chart showing windspeed predictions and times of day.
Mo: It was really kind of a bummer.
Sadio: Yeah. I think the only thing that made me feel better about the whole thing was everyone being surprised that Andrew Robertson won the Oscars pool.
Mo: Like, I can’t figure out if Bobby’s obsession with kites or Robbo being able to talk cogently about the various genre nods found in Parasite is more surprising.
Sadio: They’re about even, let’s be real.
INT. Robbo talking head.
Robbo: I don’t get why everyone’s so surprised that I know what’s up in film. I mean, sure, maybe I’m into dank memes more than anyone else on this squad, but that shouldn’t immediately disqualify me from being able to provide some salient critique on the current state of cinema. What’s really disappointing is that no one seems to have paid attention to how, even in this pretty decent year of film, you still had snubs like The Farewell. Just...messed up, man. Anyway, I’m planning on taking my film obsession to the next level and actually producing a film. It’ll be a documentary and it’ll be focused on the common misconception that a tomato is...
Disembodied voice (again, probably Milner): A TOMATO IS A VEG! FFS, ROBBO!
INT. Robbo looks terrified.