Manchester City go into tonight’s game against Cardiff City needing 3 points to regain the lead over Liverpool. Let me disabuse you of any notions to the contrary: Manchester City will get all three points in tonight’s match against the Fightin’ Warnocks.
So now that we’ve solved that mystery, how about we work on ways to avoid watching City dominate Cardiff, which will only cause you pain and misery as a Liverpool fan.
If it MUST be football, then there are other matches to distract yourself. You can watch Tottenham and/or Chelsea try to outdo each other (and Manchester United) in the pillow fight for fourth place. Maybe Spurs will throw another one into their net against Palace? Maybe Chelsea will go full-on implosion against Brighton? Think of the possibilities.
Or, maybe the look beyond the Premier League! Serie A is in action, and you can catch up with Papa Lucas as Lazio take on SPAL. Or Roma-Fiorentina! Valencia host Real Madrid in La Liga, maybe that’s worth checking out!
Now, this might come as a shock to you, but most TVs and streaming services have “other channels.” On those other channels are “TV programs.” Maybe you want to rewatch Stranger Things ahead of this summer’s third season? Perhaps you’re really pumped for Avengers: Endgame, and want to see Peter Parker get dusted again? (Er, spoilers?)
Maybe something altogether new? Get out of the house, see a movie in an actual theater! And don’t be the annoying person who checks his phone mid-movie, lighting up his dumb face. Notifications off!
Or, and stick with me here, there are these things called “books.” You can easily disappear into a good one for hours. I just picked up Stephen Fry’s Mythos, his take on Greek mythology. It’s great. Plus you might learn something. Bonus: you can read with the quiet satisfaction that it’s something Pep can’t do (because of Liverpool living rent free in his mind and all that).
There are loads of things around the house that you’ve put off for far too long. The oven? Way overdue for a cleaning. That shit takes hours. And the fridge? Yeah, we know you’re curious if that 5-week-old dish, currently turning an interesting shade of green in its tupperware container, will actually grow limbs, but it’s time to clean it out. And the laundry is overflowing mate! So much work.
And you know what would be nice? A long walk with your dog. Like, really long. Like, two hours, minimum. Don’t have a dog? Just borrow your neighbor’s. And speaking of fresh air and exercise:
That gym membership sure seemed like a great idea in January, right? Well, actually use it! Or if self improvement isn’t your thing, you can always go the self destruction route...
Clean out the Liquor Cabinet!
So many bottles with just a few shots left. You should really clean out space by just finishing one or two of them off. By the time you wake up on the kitchen floor tomorrow, the match will be over.
I’m sure you can think of a few things on your own. I’m not your mother, I can’t think of everything for you. Any ideas? Feel free to share below.
And remember, do not watch the match under any circumstances. It will only cause you pain and misery.