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Editor’s Note: Back in October, we received a package addressed to “AJ, Hardboiled Detective Writer” sent to the TLO offices. There was no return address, but it did say it was from “Q.” The only other thing of note is that it looked like the box had been re-purposed from another mailing with part of the label still remaining. It read, “-fe Racers Clu-”
Inside the box was a DVD that apparently features a few episodes of a Liverpool-centric reality show called Behind the Boot Room. Besides wondering what conception of physics could even lead one to ponder what might be behind any boot room, we were intrigued by what scenes could be contained there.
What we found was an incredible treasure trove of LFC-related content that we intend to give to you during breaks in LFC play. Part 1 can be found here. Part 2 takes place shortly after Liverpool’s victory over Manchester City. How, given that we received these videos over a month ago? THE MAGIC OF TECHNOLOGY/THE POSTAL SERVICE, THAT’S HOW.
INT. Melwood Kitchen. Andrew Robertson, Trent Alexander-Arnold, and James Milner are sitting at a table listening to Robbo tell a joke.
Robbo: …and the guy tells his dog…
Robbo looks to heavens
Robbo: TWWWIIIIICCCEEEEE!!!
TAA and Milner groan.
Robbo: Get it? Cause he saw his dog chew his slipper twice and even had evidence via the nanny cam?
INT. TAA talking head shot
TAA: Look, I love the guy, but he really likes to beat a joke into the ground. Well, ok, hold on, let me get that back. He beats everything into the ground. Robbo’s still out there insisting tomato is a veg for goodness sake!
INT. Robbo talking head shot
Robbo: It’s a veg.
INT. Melwood kitchen. Jordan Henderson is talking with Joe Gomez.
Hendo: But did you really have to pick him up, mate? Like a sack of potatoes, man.
Gomez: A petulant, short-armed sack of po- Hendo: JOE.
Hendo VOICE OVER montage of Hendo looking tired and yawning on the pitch during passing drills, at a video session, while Robbo tells a joke, etc.
Hendo (voice over): I’ve been having long sessions with Raheem Sterling and Joe Gomez. Well, I mean, mostly Raheem. Joe’s good, you know. Just a deeply good soul. Like an 80 year old man trapped in a super ripped body. I have no doubt he’ll be the bigger man.
INT. Hendo talking head.
Hendo (continues): (Pauses) I…uh…you know what I mean. Not (air quotes) bigger but like bigger. Ugh. I’m so damn tired.
INT. Back to Melwood kitchen with Hendo and Joe.
Gomez: Ok. Ok. You know I was just kidding. I didn’t think he’d take it so personally. Don’t worry, it’s water under the bridge.
Robbo’s voice is heard off screen as he walks into frame, approaching Hendo and Joe.
Robbo: Ok, guys, I’ve got a joke to te-
Disembodied voice (unsure who, but it’s probably Milly): THE PUNCHLINE CAN’T ALWAYS BE “TWIIIIIICE” ANDY.
EXT. Melwood car port. Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain and The Admiral are waiting next to cars with their bags at their feet. Jurgen and a few of the lads are there to see them off.
Klopp: ...and of course, please be -
Ox and The Admiral (in unison): CAREFUL. We knoooowwww, dad!
Klopp, wiping a tear from his face: That’s not what I was going to say!
Ox and The Admiral: ...
Klopp: Ok, maybe I was going to say that but really I just want you both to have fun. Find that joy in the game. Because, when you’re enjoying the game, well that’s...
Ox and The Admiral: COOL. We knowwwwww, dad!
Jurgen: (hearty laugh) Ok, ok, ok. Wish everyone well for me. Except for Paul Put. That guy can go eat unseasoned chicken for the rest of his life.
Disembodied voices rise as a bit of a disturbance shakes out behind the players gathered: ...wait, Andy maybe now isn’t the best...
Robbo bursts into the scene, breathless. He’s been running.
Robbo (out of breath): Wait. Wait. I...had...a...joke to tell you.
Everyone rolls their eyes, but Klopp puts out a hand.
Klopp: (to everyone else) No, no, it’s ok. (to Robbo) Andy, ok, go on.
Robbo: What’s rocky, has four members, and is from Irvine, California?
Everyone looks perplexed.
Robbo: (eyes to the heavens) THHHHRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCEEEEEEEEE!
Silence.
Disembodied voice (probably Milner): Ok, now that was a great joke!
That’s that! As we know, Ox and Naby both got their international breaks off to a rousing start. And, more importantly, there was a semblance of peace between Joe Gomez and Raheem Sterling, with Jordan Henderson playing a role in getting that done. Here’s hoping the rest of the break is smooth!