I Found it On the Offal: An LFC Christmas and Milner’s Tom Cruise Impression

The thing about the international break is that it sucks. That’s it. It really does. It’s terrible and there’s nothing that fans of club football can do about it.

Now, most fans will share this sentiment because, fundamentally, the international break creates a pause in our ability to watch our clubs compete. Which, might be understandable if, like off-weeks in the NFL, it meant that the players actually were able to use these breaks as a moment to rest and recuperate from the rough and tumble of the long Premier League season. But with the sport’s biggest stars often taking up roles on their respective national teams, that’s not the case.

So, again, the international break sucks.

But a thing that most don’t have to worry about is that this makes Liverpool news scarce and the job of erstwhile scribes such as myself that much more difficult. Cause in November, transfer rumors that aren’t complete garbage are scarce, and with no real thick plot lines, it usually ends up being a bunch of fluff pieces that don’t mean a whole lot.

So, in the spirit of giving - and cause, again, there’s so very little to write about - I decided to wade through a couple of the fluff pieces and pull the important parts out so you, dear reader, don’t have to. Consider it a present in honor of the coming festive season!

Things Not to Buy Your Kids

Now, you might be confused by this because I’m saying that you shouldn't buy your children these things but the official site is saying you should buy your children these things. Well, let me tell you something: you should definitely listen to me because I’m a father. And, in my 13-ish months of fatherly experience, I’ve learned one precious lesson: my kid could currently give zero cares about a new toy. She does, however, love the bejeezus out of a cardboard box.

So, the question becomes, why spend approximately $30 on what the club’s PR braintrust have decided to call a “Little Liver Membership” for my 1 year old when she would literally eat the certificate if given the chance? And that’s all besides even interrogating the fact that it sounds like a delivery box service curated by Hannibal Lecter.

Or why would you torture a young person who has just entered the warm break in school by gifting them an LFC stationary kit? Nothing says fun quite like a gift you can use to do more schoolwork!

Perhaps the weirdest gift is this bathrobe and slipper set for babies. Yes, babies. Cause, you know, after a hard day of banging on a box or banging on a chair or taking a nap and then banging on the crib rail to rouse your sleepy parents, every baby needs a moment to just lounge in warm slippers and a bathrobe. Like an infant Cary Grant.

Like Top Gun But Colder

Before we start this, I think we all need to relive one of the greatest moments in cinematic history: the Top Gun Volleyball scene.

We’re doing this because the lede photo in the official site’s slideshow of training photos is James Milner spinning a soccer ball. Not quite as nonchalant as the lads from Miramar, it still did bring me back to that oily and sunbaked moment of film perfection. Except, you know, everyone’s hyper bundled up and it’s apparently so cold that Jurgen has to hide his lower face - the part already protected in what I’d always assumed was an impenetrable fortress of protective chin hair.

Some other highlights are the young guys who I don’t know training with the stars and looking super deer-in-the-headlights while doing it. Also, there are a bunch of photos with people making weird faces to this is maybe kind of worth going back to just to chuckle at how weird humans look when they’re in the middle of doing intense things.

And with that, we can officially wave goodbye to the international break and look forward to a period, in short order, with Liverpool football on order. In fact, we’re a mere few weeks away from the holiday fixture schedule where the matches come thick and fast. Where, hopefully, the football on show will be so good, so incandescent, that we won’t have to resort to me going through the official site’s list of filler articles just so you don’t have to.

(Editor’s Note: This article drew a lot of inspiration from a series called ‘We Found it On Netflix Instant’ written by Max Silvestri and appearing on the late, great Grantland.com. If Max ever reads this: I am one of your biggest fans. - AJ)