“Welcome friends. Please, don’t be shy, gather around and listen up, the tour is getting underway. I’m your host, Alberto Moreno. You may recognize me as the long time backup leftback for Liverpool. As stipulated in my last contract extension I have to do tours in addition to waiting for my chance to finally prove myself. Now, come with me if you want to live! Haha, that’s a Terminator joke! I’ll take your nervous laughter as approval!
“Anyway, welcome to Anfield! We have some new renovations and features we’ve installed in this old, beautiful football venue, so follow me please!
“Here we’re coming to our newest statue, inspired by the greek mythical dog Cerberus, but instead of three dog heads, we have the likenesses of Roberto Firmino, Sadio Mane, and Mohamed Salah. Of course, we remember them for being the only players ever to share the honors for the Ballon d’Or, a feat they managed three consecutive seasons while winning two trebles and a quadruple. You can see the feet of the dog adorned with gold-plated sandals, a detail demanded by Bobby Firmino himself.
“Now we’re coming to the Memorial for Everton Football Club. Sadly, our long time rival was forced to sell most of Woodison, sorry Goodison Park during the great lumber shortage of 2025. So we keep this wooden bench here in their honor. Shhhh! They say...if you listen very closely...you can still hear the song “You Haven’t Won a Trophy Since 1995.” But please do not sit in it, you’ll probably get a splinter.
“Ah, surely you recognize the Mourinho Tears Fountain! This was installed nearly ten years ago, and is now one of the most recognizable sights around Anfield, right up there with statue of Bill Shankly and the Paisley Gates. This is where the formerly great manager successfully guided Manchester United to relegation, with Liverpool landing the final, fatal blow. He knelt here, weeping uncontrollably.
“Oh! Speaking of United, there are still tickets available for the League Cup clash! After several seasons bouncing between League 1 and League 2, it will be nice to finally renew this old rivalry, at least once this year! I hope the gaffer lets me play! I’m sure those are groans of joy I’m hearing. Anyway...moving on.
“Now, speaking of the great man himself, Jurgen Klopp...and let’s keep this between ourselves, this is where we’re planning his statue. Of course, he wouldn’t allow such talk while he is around, but after bringing us back to greatness, and all the titles he’s won, it’s the least we could do. The leading designs so far are titled, “Boom!” and “Play Fucking Football!”
“Thank you for coming on the tour today, and I hope your stay in Liverpool is a good one. If a bald man approaches you outside the gates, mumbling about Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, please be kind, and spare a few pence if you can. That’s former Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola, who was never quite the same after his 3-0 Champions League defeat in 2018, and then sadly and slowly descended into madness.
“I’m free now for some selfies or autographs in the gift shop, haha! No takers? It’s OK, don’t be shy...or come say hi to me on the bench on Saturday, I’ll sign anything and I’m always up for a selfie, haha! No takers? Well, thanks for stopping by!”