Liverpool New Year’s Resolutions

Simon Mignolet: Get Loris in on the pear racket. Just think of all the pears we could sell if we get in on the German market!

Alberto Moreno: What is time? And why is the passing of one orbit around our lonely star, in the this lonely part of an ordinary galaxy (among hundreds of billions of ones just like it) so important? And what does 2017 mean? Surely it has no historical significance, for even if there was a historical Jesus, most historians agree he wasn’t born two-thousand seventeen years ago. Moreover, until 1752 New Year’s Day was celebrated on March 25th, so January 1st is itself meaningless. It’s an arbitrary date in which we all decide to reflect on the year that was, and the year that will be. But we cannot change the past, nor can we change the most significant events of our future, if any at all. Indeed, the whole question of free will is still open for debate. If we cannot change the past, nor the future, then truly we are just passengers in our own private vessels, bound for a destination we cannot change. And speaking of vessels, I should get a new hoverboard, the battery seems to be going on the old one.

Adam Lallana: Improve Cruyff turn-to-goal ratio.

Jordan Henderson: Keep being boss.

Philippe Coutinho: Get new matching collars for the pugs.

James Milner: Shed the boring label; started wearing un-ironed underwear at least once a week.

Emre Can: Reclaim the title of “best hair” from Loris Karius.

Sadio Mané: Get plane tickets to Gabon back from Kloppo. He said he’d hold them for safe keeping, but every time I bring it up he changes the subject.

Daniel Sturridge: Dance more.

Roberto Firmino: More teeth whitener, less booze.

Nathaniel Clyne: 01001110 01100101 01110111 00100000 01011001 01100101 01100001 01110010 00100111 01110011 00100000 01110010 01100101 01110011 01101111 01101100 01110101 01110100 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01100100 01101111 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01110101 01110100 01100101 00101110

Lucas Leiva: Enjoy every last Klopp hug, and every last shout of “UNLUCKEEEE.”