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John Barnes Receives Driving Ban

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John Barnes received a driving ban for frequently speeding. In a Vauxhall. What?

Vogue.
Vogue.
Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images

After a high octane career built on motoring around the pitch, crashing goals in through parked bus defenses, and other car references, John Barnes' thunder thighs have gotten him into a bit of a speeding habit in his retirement years. Said speeding habit has most recently seen the affably thoughtful Jamainglishman receive a six month driving ban for an accumulation of points on his driver's license.

This may come as confusing news to the American portion of the global Reds fanbase, who are used to thinking of accumulating points on an identifying card as a satisfying route to a free cup of coffee or a breakfast wrap of their choosing. In England, you see, break the law behind the wheel of a car, and "points" are added to your legal record. No news yet on whether Barnes has set the highest score, but we're pretty sure he's unlocked the Lamborghini and the scuba gear.

In all seriousness, speeding is generally dangerous, and John Barnes knows this.  Which is why he owned his mistake like the max-out man that he is, and is taking his punishment on the chin.  Going 66mph in a 50mph zone is well beyond the nine you're fine, ten you're mine rule, and considering that rule rhymes Barnesy really has nowhere to hide on this one.

What's more, Barnes was caught making this mistake in a Vauxhall, which is undoubtedly a devastating blow to him and his loved ones. After all, this is John Barnes we're talking about  here, not Jim Belushi. We have no choice but to pretend like that was a car given to him to help push the Australian car maker's brand into never-before-seen levels of mediocrity. Because otherwise Barnes will have spent actual money on a Vauxhall, and that is not a version of history any of us should be prepared to accept.

At any rate, cut the speeding Barnesy and enjoy the Uber--it's honestly so convenient you'll never miss the driving!  As for the rest of you, here is a youtube clip of Barnes kicking a football into a Vauxhall, because not only is that the only reasonable purpose a Liverpool Legend should have for a Vauxhall, but it is also the sort of synergistic journalism you deserve.