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Liverpool's Transfer Incomings & Hairspray

On the eve of the season's first clash with Manchester United, Hairspray wraps up a two-part rumination on the lines, curls, fades, and flat tops that make up this season's transfers. Today's subject: coifs gained.

Clive Brunskill/Getty Images

Even in the absurdly fast moving world of football, nothing feels as old news quite as quickly as a shut transfer window. Likewise, nothing takes as painstakingly long as that first sadistic international break. In particular when the latter is sandwiched by a hideous 3-0 home loss and a trip to Old Trafford. Typical narratives and talking points regarding transfers feel stale at this point. But nothing, no way and no how, will ever take the sheen off of freshly arrived hairstyles and the new heroes they rode in on.

Ye Olde Bretheren of The Liverpool Offside officially rated the summer 2015 transfer window as a solid but unspectacular affair. As a caveat to that solid assessment, we here at Hairspray see potential for spectacle and instability, if only when viewed under the appropriate lighting. See, the tangibly inconsequential matter of what a team looks like as it lines up week to week is a critical component of the ritual for football fans far and wide. A weekly ritual that will tomorrow be shared by hundreds of millions. Zoinks.

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First thing remains first, the flagship signing, Christian Benteke. £32.5 million buys a lot of scouse and lager these days, but what does it equal in mohawks or braids? In Liverpool's case, that dosh bought what can only be described as the full dynamism and fashion forward edge of a late career Alfonso Ribeiro. Benteke was sorely needed to fill in the eons of matchtime between Daniel Sturridge's stretches of fitness. But in a post-Raheem Sterling era, is a baby fade really all we can muster?

On the other end of the spectrum pricewise are a few promising yutes.  Allan Rodrigues de Souza, Taiwo Awoniyi, and Bobby Adekanye are the latest demonstration of Liverpool's keeping up with the Jones' and snapping up high grade academy fodder. It is promising, then, that two of the three already show a proclivity for molding some shape into their fledgling first-team follicles. Both Adekanye and Allan demonstrate style we can only hope will be matched by their future first team success. The sleepy-eyed Taiwo appears to still be figuring out which way he wants to take things, but that's the luxury of youth. Just stay away from Paul Mitchell products--the stuff is a sham.

Ginger is incredibly good for you, and keeping things simple is one of the secrets of life. Adam Bogdan does both with his croppa, but he's also intimately familiar with how the seemingly routine can get out of hand quickly. Speaking of routine, James Milner walked into a barber shop and asked for his hairs cut. It cost £15 and was short.

Which of course brings us to the Englishmen whose hairlines went up a hill and came down a mountain. Nathaniel Clyne at least does interesting things with the direction and finish of that obsidian patch sat atop his fivehead. Plus, with ability like that, the lad could go Prodigy on it and still have our hearts.

Danny Ings on the other hand... Either this is his natural balding pattern, or he's been moonlighting as a stunt double for Tom & Jerry shovel-to-the-face sequences. We knew that signing from Burnley as a relatively unproven young talent would have meant a lean wage packet, but that dime shop shape is enough to give even cowgirls the blues, Danny. Get it together.

Salvation has to come from somewhere, though, so what about Bob? Not only is Liverpool's newest Brazilian sensation, Roberto Firmino, the second most expensive player from the summer transfer signings, but he has samba'd his way into Scouse hearts quicker than you can say caipirinha. Clearly, the 23 year old has a confident handle on his personal style, and that's huge. In a game with margins as fine as football's, confidence is king, and wild coiffures are often that external demonstration of an internal belief in one's ability. There is no doubt Firmino has that ability. It would behoove the lad to note that brilliance is mercurial, however, and its a fine line between rockstar hair and goofy, Bobby.

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If you ask us, fashion is at its best when something classic and timeless is made to feel refreshed and new. Interesting, then, that Liverpool's white hot commodity these days, Joe Gomez, is a kid who simply excels at all of the traditional parts of the game--marking, passing, moving. Not since Hairspray's last Poster Boy have we seen one so young surprise so many and do so with such calm.

And as with his effortless game, the barely-18-year-old Gomez is quietly impressive and relevant with his hairstyle. Not afraid to grow that flat top, because what's this about if not for fun? But the reserved height and the eschewing of bleach on his 'do denotes that wisdom-beyond-his-years feel that oozes from the guy's every movement on the pitch. Don't expect young Joe to go full Kid n Play on this any time soon. He sees those doomed fads coming like a marauding attacker, and he's not falling for the stepovers, folks. The kid is the truth, Fowler bless him.

Will these new arrivals make enough of an impression to catapult Liverpool into the Champions League? Will they be the catalysts to take Brendan Rodgers' comb over of conservatism and turn it into a freshly rooted foundation that would make Wayne Rooney drool with jealousy? Are any of them destined to be Hairspray's new Poster Boy? Time tells, and tomorrow is a first step towards that destiny, sports fans. Bring it loud and bring it proud.

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