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The Liverpool Offside's Transfer Round-Up: For the Watch Edition

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Welcome back to a round-up of selected transfer news from other clubs across the footballing land that have happened, could happen, might not happen, should happen, and are about to happen.

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Mike Ashley doesn't believe you ITK. You know nothing. No, really. You probably actually know nothing.
Mike Ashley doesn't believe you ITK. You know nothing. No, really. You probably actually know nothing.
Stu Forster/Getty Images

Hello there forlorn Liverpool fan and neutral observer! How goes it? The Liverpool Offside's Transfer Round-Up is back for the summer. The series started just over a year ago with the Yaya Touré birthday cake nonsense, what a delicious story that was. It produced a hearty laugh indeed. The column was last seen exalting the signing of Juan Cuadrado and celebrating the incontrovertible wonder of Alan Pardew. There are new threats that we don't know that we know that we don't know about in the transfer window so let's get to work.

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José Mourinho and Chelsea "on the verge" of shock deal for a player represented by Jorge Mendes.

In a surprising turn of events, Chelsea are close to signing a player who shares the same agent with Chelsea manager and rabble rouser José Mourinho. It's all so unexpected. When the Radamel Falcao links to the Premier League champions first appeared, was anyone in doubt that a deal would be concluded? This column wasn't (so cool to hide behind a "column" again with ETW on holidays), but just read this instead of expecting analysis. For those who will ask about Jorge Mendes in the comments without reading the article, click on the link in the previous sentence. That was a pointless piece of advice for obvious reasons. Yesterday's Falcao was an excellent player who was deadly on the ground and in the air with intelligent movement that confounded most defenders, but today's Falcao is not quite like that at all.

Falcao lost his way after suffering an injury to his anterior cruciate ligament injury in his left knee in January last year, and Manchester United didn't take up an option to sign him for close to Raheem Sterling asking price money last month. Didier Drogba will need to be replaced, but Falcao could push Loïc Rémy out. The Frenchman is injury prone but will reportedly command a £15 million fee in the event of a departure from Stamford Bridge. Such a figure would represent a significant profit for Chelsea after only a single season at the club, but the better option would be keeping Rémy even if Falcao arrives on loan. Seven league goals in 668 minutes is good work, and Rémy would start regularly for a large number of English Premier League clubs. Diego Costa, Radamel Falcao, and Loïc Rémy would be an awfully injury-prone trio, but Falcao has generally steered clear of injuries over the past year.

What would Liverpool fans have made of such a similar loan arrangement to supplement Divock Origi, Danny Ings, and Daniel Sturridge? It's probably healthy to avoid contemplating such a hypothetical scenario. Oh, and Didier Drogba has recently rejected a move to join Kaka at Orlando City according to Sky sources. A two-year deal was believed to be on offer, which is generous for a 37-year-old. Drogba probably has options though.

Newcastle have a new manager and perhaps some ambition.

Mike Ashley is probably the most popular owner around in his own head still unwanted by Newcastle supporters despite positive words from the formerly silent businessman. Ashley spoke publicly for the first time late last month and said all sorts things that mean nothing without action. Newcastle were disastrous from early December, winning just four games after beating Chelsea at St James' Park. Four wins in 23 games. Ouch. Steve McClaren was confirmed as manager, replacing the "best coach in the league" John Carver. The former Derby County manager wants his staff in place before pre-season, which is a good idea for a club looking to recover from a disappointing end to the season with renewed hope this summer. Ahem.

The extremely reliable Metro brings news of a "dramatic transfer swoop" for Yohan Cabaye, a frustrated Paris Saint-Germain midfielder who used to play for Newcastle. Will Alan Pardew gloriously scupper the move by renewing a working relationship at Crystal Palace? That probably won't go down well with the Toon Army, but Steve McClaren can always wow Cabaye with English in a French accent. McClaren is a decent manager who was sensible enough to manage abroad to learn and restore his reputation, something David Moyes is doing now at Real Sociedad. Their collective success in the management may encourage others to do the same, especially when there are many who are struggling for opportunities.

Players not joining Liverpool this summer.

This isn't a list of players such as Lionel Messi, Paul Pogba, and Marco Reus. No, that would be unnecessarily cruel. It's a round-up of rumo(u)red transfer targets who have gone elsewhere or signed new deals. This column shouldn't be spoiling you so early on, but you've endured enough already. Mauro Icardi has signed a new four-year contract with Inter but is still being linked with a move to Real Madrid. Silly peddlers of vacuous rumo(u)rs. Paulo Dybala has signed for Juventus as the probable successor to the relentless Carlos Tevez. Sami Khedira's has joined Dybala to play for the rejuvenated former AC Milan head coach Max Allegri. Andre Ayew is a tenuous one for this section, but let's be daring and squeeze it in anyway. The Ghana international vice-captain moved to Swansea City on a free transfer, a surprising and sensible move for all concerned. Maybe the generous €8 million signing on fee had something to do with it?

Here's a recent bit of news. Did you think Mario Mandžukić could have been a good option for Liverpool? He's off to Juventus in a deal worth €18 million. Apparently. It looks like Turin will be home to a striking reshuffle over the next couple of months.

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That's it for now you sensible, suffering souls. Any transfer whispers or ruminations can be noted in the comments below along with any responses or corrections to the "insider info that I just pass on mate" above.