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Hugo Boss Completely Faffs Up Liverpool Team Suits

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What could go wrong for Liverpool by following up the appointment of a boss German manager with a team suit by German designer Hugo Boss? Only everything. Inconceivable.

Is this where all the Red went?
Is this where all the Red went?
Clive Brunskill/Getty Images

Red. It's an important color if you're a Liverpool fan. The shirts are Red, the shorts are Red, the socks are Red, the club crest has Red, the This Is Anfield sign is Red, the team goes by The Reds, and so on.

Even if you're not a Liverpool fan, the color brings out a certain response, as any Evertonian will tell you. For the lonely dozens across the globe who choose not to devote an embarrassingly large portion of their lives to following the beautiful game, Red still holds court.

Roses are Red. Jessica & Roger Rabbit? Both about that Red life. When John Pasche was doodling up The Rolling Stones' iconic logo, he didn't choose periwinkle, did he? The best flavor for both M&M's and cupcakes are Red. Mars captures our extraterrestrial imagination because of really cool, sciency reasons, none of which are even remotely as important as the fact that it is the Red Planet. Red's just cooler than other colors. Deal with it.

So when global couture fashion house Hugo Boss gets tapped up to design an official club suit, we expect great things. Sharp lines, swishy fabrics, tailored fits--the lot. But we also expect a bit of Red coloring that suit, right? WRONG.

What? Yes--WRONG. Because as far as we can tell from these damning pictures, there is not a solitary shred of Red going on in these so-called team suits. Which team are you stitching these threads for, again, Hugo? The All Blacks of New Zealand? Perhaps it's the Oakland Raiders? Maybe even an away suit for Real Madrid? Nope. You're stitching these garments together for Liverpool Football Club, Hugo, the team colloquially known as the Reds.

And look, we're not trying to be unreasonable, here. We get it--don't want to be obvious. Understating things is cool, or so we've been told. We could potentially see the thinking behind not making the classy, reserved team suits a vivacious, shouty Red.

But are you telling us we couldn't snip a burgundy lapel in there? Has the world's supply of Red thread run so low that it was impossible to use some of it to stitch the Fowler-blessed club crest on? How hard is it to drum up a Red silk lining in 2015? We live in a world where Bruce Willis got funding for not one, but two whole movies based entirely around the color Red, and you can't find some tasteful Red buttons, mate? And so what if we're not sure whether that last part is true, because no one in their right mind watched those vomitous films? At least those flicks had enough wherewithal about them to splash some Red into their concept!

Hugo you quantumly shambolic house of numbskullery, how dare you? For shame. Unacceptable, we say! Back to the drawing board, we insist! You get some Red up in here, Hugo. We don't care if it has to be pricked from the perfectly sculpted flesh of your global army of models, or scraped from the juice-cleansed innards within which you have so firmly shoved your own head--you get some Red up in here NOW. Sweet, holy parsnip of Paisley, we're just glad Shanks isn't around to see this.