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The Liverpool Offside's Transfer Round-Up: Transfer Window Juju Edition

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Welcome back to a round-up of selected transfer news from other clubs across the footballing land that have happened, could happen, might not happen, should happen, and are about to happen.

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Nearly a week has passed since TLO's Transfer Round-Up returned to this most wondrous season of transition for Liverpool FC. Liverpool can add a new doctor to the list of additions needed to progress in the way we work moving forward. Newcastle still do not have a new manager after Alan Pardew was poached/saved/extracted by his old club Crystal Palace and almost certainly won't be one of the busier teams this month. The reigning Premier League Manager of the Season is back at West Bromwich Albion and has a sulky Saido Berahino to deal with. Tony Pulis may be playing a game of needing a star player to go in order to fund his Stoke City with pace imitation project that was successfully implemented at Crystal Palace last season.

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More Chelsea transfer window juju.

Counter attacking kinglet André Schürrle will net Chelsea £23 million if he accepts a deal offered by Wolfsburg. £23 million! Chelsea must have some strong transfer window juju, because they keep selling players José Mourinho does not need for big fees. When Liverpool worked their own miniature version of transfer window juju on Premier League clubs to buy Fabio Borini for more than Liverpool paid for him, it didn't quite work. Maybe it worked like feeding Gizmo after midnight or pouring water over a member of the Transfer Committee. Something somewhere went wrong, and Chelsea definitely have the answers we need. However, Schürrle is doing a Borini and wants to fight for his place. It also may not be the best time to sell him, but that's a good deal for Chelsea.

Manchester United won't leave him alone.

Manchester United still want Mats Hummels. Mats Hummels would be very good for Manchester United. Manchester United should leave Mats Hummels alone.

We were never in for him anyway.

Xherdan Shaqiri has finally left Bayern Munich to play regular football and generally find comfort in being wanted by his manager. He'll get plenty of love from a manager in need of inspiration at a struggling club, and Brendan Rodgers Roberto Mancini will probably play as nice as he possibly can in the knowledge that Shaqiri's arrival is quite the transfer coup. The Swiss international pocket powerhouse joins Lukas Podolski who accused Arsène Wenger of a lack of respect, something that Wenger addressed in his pre-match press conference ahead of the the visit of Stoke City. Victor Valdes has been training with Manchester United and is a paid member of Liverpool's fiercest rivals as a number two on an 18-month contract. Good grief. That's some impressive strength in depth isn't it? De Gea has 18 months on his contract so talk from van Gaal about Valdes' futile ambitions to oust De Gea may not be relevant after the summer. Martin Ødegaard trained with the club he and his father ardently support, Liverpool FC, but won't be signing for England's most successful European club or any other illustrious club he's trained with the exception of the besotted Real MadridWatch this video of the kid signing Liverpool's famous anthems and cry.

Not better than the English Premier League: Serie A.

For followers of a league that's not better than the best league in the world ever since the history of football began sometime in the early 1990s, there are some intriguing games this weekend. The Rome derby between Lazio and AS Roma will feature two sides in good form, and reigning league champions Juventus travel to Napoli with Supercoppa revenge on the menu. Paul Pogba probably isn't going anywhere this month, but here's a sprightly article on Pogba's mouthwatering bit of skill (there's video proof) along with a history of the elastico with more videos that make your mouth look like some slovenly fly trap. Serie A may not be better than the Premier League but it has the best young midfielder in world football who was let go by Manchester United. That has to count for something.

Alessio Cerci is back in Serie A with AC Milan on loan from Atlético Madrid, and one wonders whether Ciro Immobile may return in the summer. The two former Torino players were undoubted successes at Turin but maybe sporting life for both will be always be rosier in Italy. When both left for Germany and Spain respectively, there was hope that the Torino duo would continue to trouble defences. Immobile has done much better than any of Liverpool's summer striking signings but has found it difficult to score goals in the Bundesliga, unlike a solid Champions League record of 4 goals in 330 minutes across 5 appearances. Suso is on his way to AC Milan and will link up with manager Filippo Inzaghi for what could be a fruitful move for a skilful young player. Wesley Sneijder was supposed to be smiling for the cameras with a Juventus shirt by now, but hasn't signed for la Vecchia Signora just yet. Have Juventus pulled out of a deal? His buyout clause is prohibitive for a player who will turn 31 in June, and his agent doesn't think it's fair for any club to pay such a fee. You tell them what's what Guido Albers.

In other news...

A player over six feet and powerfully built signed for Stoke City in a shock move. No club is stupid enough to pay £17 million for Paulinho when the player proved at Tottenham Hotspur he wasn't worth that much, but Daniel Levy won't let him go on loan to show he could be worth that much or somewhat close to it. Aston Villa think £2.5 million is a bit too dear for Manchester City's Scott Sinclair, but are overlooking all the training sessions he has completed with world class players. The talented but underwhelming Eljero Elia has joined Southampton on loan from Werder Bremen. Paul Lambert was unfair to Darren Bent according to Darren Bent who is temporarily at Derby County, where Paul Lambert can no longer be unfair to Darren Bent. The agent of one Wilfried Bony revealed in a video interview at an airport that discussions about money are holding up a purported £30 million move to Manchester City that involves money.

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By the next edition, we hope that this nonsense about Lionel Messi joining Chelsea will have been buried in some hidden tomb along with Luis Suárez playing for any Premier League team apart from Liverpool in the future.