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The Week in Search Terms: Agger Better Than Lovren

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People find their way to the Liverpool Offside using all kinds of search terms. Some of those terms can seem strange, unusual, or just in need of an answer. Here are a few of them.

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assaidi

You’ll never see him coming. Also, you might want to look behind you. Like right now. Oh, never mind, he’s gone again.

liverpool arda turan

Have we been linked to him yet this window? No? Well, let’s fix that: TLO can confirm by way of their highly placed sources that Liverpool are interested in acquiring Arda Turan this month. Just like they have been every transfer window since 1927, which coincidentally was the year the martini was perfected in. It's been pretty much downhill since then, both for the martini and for Turan's chances of ever ending up at Liverpool.

latest news on mario balotelli

Despite that he’s somehow fallen behind Rickie Lambert and Fabio Borini on the depth chart, it doesn’t look like he’ll be going anywhere this window.

sardar azmoun

He’s the Iranian Messi. Because not enough countries had their own Messi and Iran needed one. Also, he plays for Rubin Kazan, he’s 20 years old, and he was a rumoured target of Arsenal, Liverpool, Tottenham, Juventus, AC Milan, and Barcelona last summer. The rumours ended up not being true, but still, Iranian Messi.

young argentina striker

You’re going to have to narrow it down a bit given there are at least three to choose from in Mauro Icardi, Paulo Dybala, and Luciano Vietto. Moreover, all three have been linked to Liverpool at least once over the past year, though so far this month the only one with any kind of a link to Anfield—and it’s a tenuous one at best—has been Vietto. Dybala was linked last summer, while Icardi’s name came up in November before quickly going away again.

They’re all a little rough around the edges but would all walk in as Liverpool’s number two striker behind Daniel Sturridge. Icardi, who has 14 goals in 24 appearances for Inter this season is by far the most proven. He’s also a year older and would likely cost twice as much as the other two, and prying him away mid-season seems as though it would be an impossible task. All of which explains why rumours linking him to Liverpool lasted about a week.

Dybala and Vietto, meanwhile, are more likely to be available—and, with fees expected to be closer to the mid-teens, more affordable. Of the two, Vietto currently shows slightly better finishing and off the ball movement. He also has the positional flexibility to take on any attacking role. Both, though, score at a rate better than one in two and have the potential to become elite strikers, and by this time next year both could be at Icardi’s level.

Unfortunately for Liverpool fans, the smart money is on the club not getting—and likely not even being in for—any of them.

agger better than lovren

Yeah, pretty much.

jay spearing

liveroo

I’m pretty sure liverbirds can’t crossbreed with kangaroos. Plus the liverbird is a mythical creature meant to be something of a cross between a cormorant and an eagle. Though I suppose that does open up the possibility of trying to breed a cormorant and an eagle and then trying to breed the offspring with a kangaroo. Though, again, that seems likely to end in failure despite Jurassic Park promising me a genetically engineered pet that will kill me by 2015.

Or that might have been Back to the Future and hoverboards. Either way, we can’t help you with getting a liveroo. Sorry. Though speaking of kangaroos, the kangaroo was the original name for the vodka martini, which makes sense inasmuch as a martini has gin and vermouth in it and is served with a twist while a vodka martini has none of one and somewhere between barely and none of the other and is served with an olive, so why would you call it a martini?

future needs to be decided now

I get what you’re saying, but could we maybe put it off until tomorrow?