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Everything's the Worst: Horses and Cookie Monsters Edition

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ETW returns with finely measured morsels of misery designed for careless consumption.

David Ramos

Brendan Rodgers is a man. A mortal. A human. Class Mammalia counts Rodgers among their number. However, he has proven himself to be a capable and extremely promising Liverpool manager. He is not without fault but he has shown that his opinion can be trusted. Mostly. This is the problem with supporters. When they go in, they go all in. That's risky and quite frankly, ill-advised. Keep shaking your head in defiance but dedicated supporter does not have to be synonymous with fervent and blinkered acolyte. Playing an unspectacular 22-year-old striker in a friendly when a staggering £14 million deal is on the table is not praiseworthy nor wise. The resident puppet master is still afloat but is not yet the captain of the ship so walk with ETW for a few ill-timed minutes.

An apt illustration can be seen in the agenda-propelled missives masquerading as comments from a supposedly informed writer who is unaware that it is ETW that is firmly in control of his increasingly misshapen visage. His prattling has been incessant and overwhelmingly optimistic in relation to Liverpool's dealings in the fifth transfer window of the Brendan Rodgers era. Take a note of that number folks for it will be revisited with compound interest. Liverpool's business in the summer to date, according to this single individual, has addressed noted weaknesses in the squad and addressed needs in the first team.

Liverpool's return to the land of milk and honey demands a more extensive recruitment process; there are new arrivals my cherished acquaintances. A somewhat experienced striker at the highest level of domestic football will provide passionate support to Liverpool's front-line striker (yes, just one) in a demanding season. Even if his "experience" in seasons at the highest level is similar to 19-year-old Raheem Sterling but forget about that for now. Adam "he's two-footed you know" Lallana is supposedly going to upgrade Liverpool's proper Brazilian number ten.

A few questions about Liverpool's second most expensive signing in history. Why has his £25 million fee been rationalised to be far less than that figure by fans who are purported to have complete faith in him? Has there ever been a more underwhelming "marquee" signing than Adam Lallana? Didn't he have virtually the same productivity as Sterling in the Premier League last season? Doesn't the footballing eye test tell you that Adam "he was in the Premier League Team of the Year you know" Lallana isn't in the same bracket as Philippe Coutinho? Oh well, carry on.

Then there's the doubt surrounding the actual quality of a player like Loïc Rémy who was scoring goals in Ligue 1 while the two English players were aspiring to one day play away to Stoke. Even when one considers that Rémy will turn 28 in the New Year, his fee is low enough to recoup a very similar fee in a season or two. Lallana is 26 and he'll have to produce career best performances for at least 18 months to justify such a significant investment. Rickie Lambert? He's 32. Of course, he should offer some value as a reserve at that age but it's not a feat worthy of unbridled exultation. Four million in British Pounds is a perfectly reasonable fee otherwise Southampton wouldn't have agreed to conclude a deal with such haste.

Perhaps Emre Can and Lazar Marković offer better value with their youth and genuine star potential. They're the real deals of the transfer window because they're the sort of players Liverpool need. Liverpool require young players who are good enough to contribute to present progress but possess the necessary potential for the club to be tasked with keeping up with their trajectory of improvement. By this time tomorrow, it is expected that Loïc Rémy will make it summer transfer number five. This would be an excellent start but Luis Suárez is gone.

Criticisms of some of the new recruits aside, if they were signed to supplement as opposed to belatedly Liverpool's former number seven then we are legion. Life without one of the pre-eminent players in the world means we need a little bit of a proper left back in our lives, a little bit of a transformational centre back in our side, and just a little bit of real quality is all we need. Otherwise we'll be sitting in a four-cornered room brutally aware that our minds aren't playing tricks on us.

Unbridled Misery

Last summer, Liverpool witnessed a cavalcade of centre backs making their way into the family. This summer another centre back is pursued and from that Southampton again. Did a mystic tell Brendan Rodgers that he needed to counteract the pernicious voodoo of three names in envelopes with three names from Southampton? If so, he could have done with ensuring that Luke Shaw was one of those names because another centre back before a left back is madness! This is...forget it. Ryan Bertrand. When it's difficult to ascertain any qualities that are considerably superior to those of José Enrique and Jon Flanagan in a left back then it might be possible that shopping should be done elsewhere.

Liverpool fans can drone on endlessly about what other clubs are doing or resort to the most miserable postulations on Liverpool's transfer business. The unyielding commitment to such intellectual drudgery, replete with some insightful and carefully crafted theories is an empowering sight for all proponents of the afflicting blanket of ETW. However, Liverpool fans can feel it in the air like the forever restarting Beanie Sigel. Liverpool finished second only to Manchester City. The other members of the top four have focused on signing excellent payers in a concerted drive to strengthen their first teams. We've got our radars up and Manchester United could pull out two big signings that could galvanise new recruits such as Luke Shaw and Ander Herrera. What then? What would Liverpool do with the likes of Ryan Bertrand?

After four transfer windows, Liverpool are at a stage where the people in the know should realise that a potentially stunning yet possibly underwhelming start to the transfer window must be followed up with conviction in the targets identified for a strenuous campaign that will be a new experience for many. Sign more than four or five players and there is a prospect for one or two to disappoint. Liverpool have started well yet strong must follow swift otherwise it will be a season of horses and cookie monsters.