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Everything's the Worst: Maniacal Musings Edition

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As this is the last ETW before Liverpool face Jose Mourinho in a possibly season defining clash, CStars and ETW take time to discuss the season so far at Liverpool FC.

This is how nervous Liverpool are before Sunday's title clash.
This is how nervous Liverpool are before Sunday's title clash.
Alex Livesey

CStars: Well, it's finally happened and I think I'm cracking up. It's been a long time coming Everything's the Worst and it's a pleasure to finally interview you.

ETW: Please, call me Worst or ETW. No need for formalities. Before we commence such foul and tiresome proceedings, there was no need to expose my origins earlier in the month.

CStars: I was just trying to help people understand that you're not all that bad.

ETW: Well, don't and get on with this sideshow. I have a weekend of fixtures and scores of hopeful individuals to feast on. Souls living in futile hope of a better tomorrow are the most delicious morsels this scorched planet can offer.

CStars: Well, that sounds..lovely.

ETW: It is indeed.

CStars: So, this season has been full of the unexpected and there is still much to be decided in the next few weeks. Liverpool have exceeded expectations in the Premier League in stunning fashion and even you will have to accede to the fact that Liverpool can only be positive for the future. Liverpool waited 21 years to win another European Cup but it was re-branded as the Champions League by the time we won it. Now, the Premier League title might very well follow a First Division title after nearly a quarter of a century. You've been around a long time Worst, did you think Liverpool would get to this point so soon in Brendan Rodgers' tenure?

ETW: Brendan Rodgers always struck me as a bit of a chancer and I never shared your unyielding hope in the man. He needed to win something of significance within his original contract to merit the title of Liverpool manager and he looks very close to doing so. Liverpool have done well thus far but Sunday will be of momentous importance in the title race my dear boy. Victory over Chelsea will guarantee the title and seal Rodgers' arrival as one of Europe's most talented young managers.

CStars: Liverpool haven't won anything yet Worst. Perhaps it is better to take it one game at a time.

ETW: Rodgers peddling that line and you've been inanely following it as if you're El Cholo and I cannot stand it. Brendan Rodgers, Liverpool's players, and the staff at the club would be wise to focus on each game as it comes in order to concentrate their efforts on the immediate task at hand. You however, are free to speculate endlessly without fear that it would impinge on results or consistency. I'm not here to argue but offer a healthy and generous serving of logic.

CStars: Well, thank you for that. I disagree with that sentiment in part as fans are entitled to feel a part of whatever is happening at their club. Fans have long been prone to hastily proclaiming success only to feel foolish when reality fails to meet boastful and buoyant declarations of victory. Liverpool fans have been mocked for years about each year being the year of success, only to trumpet next year's inevitable return to prominence once success is out of reach with months of the season remaining. A new season arrives and Liverpool fans are locked in that same cycle once again.

ETW: Well that's the nature of fans isn't it? This is exactly why adopting ETW as a guiding philosophy for survival in a title race. If anyone is familiar with the world's foremost handbook for prudential living, Baltasar Gracián's The Art of Worldly Wisdom, they would realise that ETW prevents excessive hope and as a fortuitous consequence, endless despair. You seem to be awfully optimistic thinking that Liverpool will "thrash" Chelsea. Getting ahead of yourself a tad aren't you? Your obsession with Liverpool being the extreme version of Manchester United's 1999/2000 is clouding any natural caution. Chelsea are not an outfit that can be swatted aside and I don't think any club in Europe currently can, including Liverpool. José Mourinho is a tactical titan in producing reactive plans for troublesome attacking opponents.

CStars: I feel confident and why shouldn't I? Liverpool are the leading side in the league and have shown that they can beat any of the league's elite. Every single team in the top seven has succumbed to Liverpool at Anfield except for Chelsea. At the start of next week, I firmly believe that Liverpool will have completed the set. Naturally, my enthusiasm got the better of me and Chelsea cannot be dismissed. I just don't think a team can miss any more than a key player or two and come to Anfield facing a virtually full-strength, confident, and purposeful Liverpool whirlwind without experiencing defeat.

ETW: It doesn't matter which side Mourinho picks because they'll still score. Even teams with horrible attacking capabilities such as Cardiff City and Norwich City managed to score a few goals against Liverpool. The problem of course, is halting such brisk attacking transitions that even Manchester City could not withstand but Chelsea will sit deep attempt to control the space and frustrate Liverpool. Looking further ahead, Liverpool will need to sort out the goals they manage to concede because such an approach will not work in the Champions League. Defensive naivety whether it is from individual errors, inconsistency in defensive selection, or a lack of protection from the midfield will be seized upon by Europe's finest. Simply put, Mourinho was put on earth for games like this.

CStars: Sure, Liverpool will need to improve for Champions League football but we've not even begun to see how calm and commanding Sakho will be, Flanagan will be a year older, and there'll be some quality additions. I think Liverpool can look forward to the most exciting transfer window in years. 96 goals is an astounding achievement for the club especially considering the last two transfer windows, investment from rival clubs, and the improvement required from virtually the same squad as last year.  Liverpool have scored 3 or more goals an staggering 20 times, a joint Premier League record and enjoy the best conversion rate in the league at 20.1%. Furthermore, we've been awarded more penalties than any other club in the division simply because we play to win. Relentlessly. There is no need to fear Chelsea on Sunday. 103 goals is the target and if Liverpool surpass that total then Liverpool will once again be the supreme side in the land.

ETW: That's pathetically sweet. Truly. You must enjoy writing such saccharine tomes designed to rouse hope in any discerning eye across the virtual world but Liverpool will be the worst defensive champions in Premier League history. Manchester United's 1999/2000 boast the fewest clean sheets of any champion since football was believed to be invented in the early 1990s with 12. Liverpool have 10 and who holds any confidence in that number growing? Sir Alex Ferguson's attacking unit also conceded the most goals as a title winner with 45 but what of Brendan Rodgers' romantic champions-elect? 44 goals conceded. Liverpool will concede more before the season is out.

CStars: That's all true ETW and I'm quite certain that Liverpool will score more goals than they concede in the remaining three games of the season. The league leader's goal difference is plus 52 and Brendan Rodgers entertainers sit at the top of the Premier League mountain. This is the result of a side that relentlessly continues to attack in pursuit of victory not some happy accident. Liverpool are enjoying their football. It will never be as sweet as this and I am fortunate to have observed, written, and engaged in healthy debate in a potentially wondrous title season. Returning to the Champions League was a dream for this season but many Liverpool fans have become quickly accustomed to such consistency and excellence that we may all be slightly spoilt. It makes sense that this group of players are not winning the title flawlessly but who would have thought Liverpool would win the title at all?

ETW: Not many and perhaps the combination of surprise, entertainment, goals, and streaks has made this season such a fruitful experience for Liverpool fans old and new. Liverpool have struggled to win the title for many years and never really led the pack with any conviction in the closing stages of a season with rivals to play to swing the balance their way or games in hand to play in order to triumph on the final day. Liverpool's efforts for a domestic title have been mostly wanting at the very highest level and bordering on pitiful. It must be quite the achievement to win a title in the year following The Dark Lord's retirement after lengthy observations on what Liverpool require to win the title and those within the squad who flatter to deceive. From my rotted perspective, it seems that Liverpool and Manchester United have swapped places from last season. I can assure Liverpool fans that Man United's despair has been delightful sustenance. It has been far too long since I've gorged on their tears and fears. The apparent desperation we'll inevitably witness in the summer transfer window will only exacerbate such pain but at least, I won't be looking for my next meal. David Moyes' endless anguish has provided enough nutrition for lean winter months ahead and crushed hopes always fill one's ceaseless need for misery.

CStars: Well, that's all the time we have for now but thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule.

ETW: It was a great misfortune to have been interviewed by you but Monday's column will probably be surrounded by plastic tears gathered the day before. I hope you realise you were interviewing yourself and maybe the title race taken its toll on your beleaguered existence but I probably wouldn't be able to get much out of you considering the circumstances.

CStars: Umm...yes. Thanks again.