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39 Reasons Toni Kroos Won't Come on Loan to Liverpool

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We've clearly fallen down the transfer window rabbit hole at this point now that there are deeply tenuous rumours linking Toni Kroos with a loan move to Liverpool. Here are 39* reasons why it won't happen.

Reason #13.
Reason #13.
Alexander Hassenstein

Toni Kroos, homegrown Bayern Munich stalwart, hasn't signed a new contract yet with his club. The only possible thing this could mean is that he clearly wants out of his Bavarian prison, but only until the end of the season and only on loan and only to Liverpool. Even mad King Ludwig finds this slightly unbelievable, and thus has compiled 39* reasons this isn't happening.

  1. He already plays for the defending Champions League winners.
  2. He missed out on the culmination of a record breaking season with Bayern due to injury and has all the more incentive to help his club repeat as many of their titles as possible.
  3. He does not hit the woodwork.
  4. It would cause me to have an aneurysm.
  5. Of all the games Bayern have played in all competitions this season, he has started all but three and is clearly not wanting for playing time.
  6. This is clearly a smokescreen for the Xherdan Shaqiri deal currently in the works.
  7. Angela Merkel gives better hugs than David Cameron.
  8. In a World Cup year, you do not leave the best team on the continent where you're a permanent fixture in the starting line up.
  9. Monopoly is his least favourite board game.
  10. No, seriously, it makes no sense to go on a five month loan to an injury-ridden team fighting to qualify for Champions League when you already play for Bayern Munich.
  11. There's no English premium to pay.
  12. He requires his away socks to always match.
  13. Although it's only a loan until the end of the season, he's worried about missing Oktoberfest.
  14. Neither Spurs nor Chelsea have expressed an interest.
  15. He finds Brendan Rodgers' usage of Steven Gerrard in a defensive role to be inefficient.
  16. He's not a defensive midfielder.
  17. No visible tattoos.
  18. He doesn't like donuts.
  19. He and Jordan Henderson are sponsored by rival hair product companies.
  20. Arsenal is the destination of choice for the contemporary German.
  21. He's not Spanish.
  22. He prefers Berni to Mighty Red.
  23. He's not a fullback.
  24. His FIFA rating is only 84.
  25. This was clearly a made-up rumour designed to cause palpitations and increased page views by ITK Twitter users.

* Not exactly 39. You can come up with the remainder, I'm sure.

(Special thanks to Amelia L and Not Too Xabi for their assistance with this list.)