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The rapid emergence of whatever's residing on Jose Enrique's head has created quite a buzz around the hairstyling in the Liverpool squad, so much so that a snip around the edges for one of their newer members has become front-page news on the offal. I don't necessarily disagree with this decision.
I think as a people we're ready to have an honest dialogue, not just about what's happened to Enrique, but about the quality--or lack thereof--in the rest of the squad. Also I'm bored and not much else is happening ahead of the derby other than Carra! Carra! Carra!
Anyway, onto the rankings.
Top Five:
1) Suso
So young. So much class.
2) Brad Jones
Jones has the benefit of not having to move much more than a few inches at a time during most matches, but even when he was covering for Pepe Reina his mane remained perfect. He's been going strong for years.
3) Jordan Henderson
This one's as much about effort as it is style, as there are few who can rival the sheer amount of minutes spent placing each hair just so.
4) Pepe Reina
"THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!1!!" you shout. I get it, but having recently watched the 2006 FA Cup final, the contrast between then and now is worthy of respect.
5) Daniel Agger
It's been a strange year in hair for Daniel Agger, who's vacillated between bald and mohawk with mostly unfortunate results. Strong showing against Newcastle, though, and there's promise here. Especially if he opts for a tattoo or seven to polish it off.
Bottom Three:
16) Jamie Carragher
Nothing. Ever. Changes.
17) Jose Enrique
It might look put-together enough, but it's still too jarring to make sense of. One week he was completely bald, and almost overnight he looked like the oldest member of One Direction. In time we might be able to respect it, but it's too much, too soon for now.
18) Sebastian Coates
I really like Liverpool's rarely-used Uruguayan and hope there's a future for him at the club, even if his commitment to proper hairstyling is as disappointing as his few appearances this season. The scraggly facial hair doesn't help, and he's desperately in need of some sort of guidance when it comes to coiffing.
Wildcard:
Philippe Coutinho
I don't know what to feel now that he's gone and gotten a proper-seeming haircut. His floppy, curly mess upon arrival was endearing, and while we're probably supposed to still feel the same post-shearing, I'm not sure if I do. I need some time.
Not Eligible:
Luis Suarez (banned), Andy Carroll (on loan), Steven Gerrard (not enough forehead), Oussama Assaidi (doesn't really exist)