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Liverpool's Deadline Day: Names to Know

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Today is going to be a hot, sweaty, drunken, confusing mess, which sounds nice if you're in your early twenties at a liberal university with progressive norms for substance use and sexual experimentation, but fairly miserable in any other context, particularly one involving middle-aged British men with microphones. But the good news is that this time tomorrow we'll have at least four months before we have to do it all over again. And the bad news is that in four months we have to do it all over again.

Feel strongly that someone's a good/terrible fit? You're wrong! Really like/hate a player and hope/loathe he arrives? WRONGER! Think everything's going to turn out as poorly as possible and all you'll be left with is alcohol and self-hate? Okay, now you're ready.

So yeah, we don't do transfers very well, as the past few windows have taught us that people you've come to like actually hate you and your emotions, and people that you'd rather not see in a Liverpool shirt have a remarkable way of doing that anyway and then settling in. Good times.

The names you'll need to know:

Andy Carroll: He's gone. James Tyler at ESPN has written a fantastic article that just about covers all the angles involved and will likely be the best piece you read on the topic. I will miss Andy Carroll, mostly because he somehow convinced me that he was an underdog even though he was playing for the most decorated club in English football and cost more than any player in the galaxy ever. We hope he's very successful at West Ham and beyond.

Jay Spearing: Supposedly a loan deal has been settled with Bolton, but neither club has confirmed the deal as of yet. You'd figure a loan has to be with a view to a more permanent deal unless Brendan Rodgers somehow sees Spearing as fitting in for the future, and given the displays the midfielder's produced under his new boss that's nearly impossible to imagine.

Charlie Adam: A player wanting to stay and tough it out is certainly noble, and many have argued that Charlie Adam wanting to stick around is just as honorable as Andy Carroll. That's stupid, because Charlie Adam isn't any good at football, and when someone's no good their character and values need not apply. Stoke are in for £5m, Adam's apparently digging in his heels, and in the meantime nobody's spraying any left-footed impregnators across English football stadiums throughout the nation.

Jordan Henderson: Here's where things get more stabby--both the Times and the Telegraph reported earlier that Henderson was offered to Fulham as part of a swap deal to bring Clint Dempsey to Liverpool, with Henderson's refusal apparently the only thing keeping the move from happening. The verbiage in the Telegraph piece doesn't make it clear if that was only an offer on the Fulham side of things or if it was an agreed-by-Liverpool loan/transfer move, and the verbiage in the Times piece is similarly unclear because I don't have any money and the Times uses a paywall. Regardless, it seems like nonsense--or at least I'm hopeful it is and I'm not going to talk about Jordan Henderson leaving Liverpool. Got it?

Daniel Agger: SHHHHHHHHHHH!!!1!

Clint Dempsey: Dempsey's a player that just won't go away this summer, and while he might chip in with a handful of goals--which Liverpool could certainly use--the doggedness with which the club's apparently pursued him is confusing, and that's not even counting the dartboard inclusion of a swap for Henderson. Dempsey might show up tomorrow, but if it's on high wages or with a promising 22 year-old midfielder making an exit, I'm going to tear off my WWJD bracelet AND my Rolex in a fury.

Daniel Sturridge: On the subject of attacking players that overestimate their own worth, a loan deal with Chelsea for Sturridge is purported to be Liverpool's backup plan if Dempsey doesn't work out. I don't much like Daniel Sturridge, and while the argument that I'd like him more if he were scoring goals for Liverpool might be not entirely fictitious, I'm having a hard time getting excited about a potential move. Graham over at WAGNH doesn't seem to think it's a thing, so we'll go with him because he's really smart and also that's more in line with how I'd like reality to look.

Attacking Player X: So the problem with loaning Andy Carroll and wanting to bring in players we don't like is that Liverpool have Luis Suarez, Fabio Borini, and...other stuff. Liverpool need to bring someone in. Need. If it's Dempsey or Sturridge, we won't be happy, but they need somebody. Talk of Fernando Llorente is terrific, but also terrifically out of the realm of possibility, and that the only names connected are Sturridge and Dempsey makes me jittery.

Fullback X: Stewart Downing is a left-back now, and that's probably all you need to know about Liverpool's depth at fullback. Literally every fullback has struggled with injury at some point in his Liverpool career for an extended period of time, and there hasn't been any concrete links to defenders that would bring a bit of stability. A forward man is certainly a top priority, but it'd be hard to argue that a reliable, adaptable fullback is much lower on the list.