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You Are a Liverpool Fan. This is Your News.

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Today the official site has it all.

The type of hard-hitting news we've been waiting for in a summer that, outside of the arrivals of Roy Hodgson and Milan Jovanovic, has been relatively devoid of big stories. Wait no longer.

Media Watch - Liverpool FC_1278765810755

What it is: Obtrusive commercialism haunting every article on the site.
Why it's important: Because it's A NEW SPONSOR AND A NEW ERA.
How it affects you: It reminds you that it's A NEW SPONSOR AND A NEW ERA.

But wait, it gets better.

They've accumulated their daily dips in the gutter to present a list of the 22 Names Linked to LFC.

The 22 names linked to LFC - Liverpool FC_1278766152050

What it is: A regular feature that cleverly ignores every major Liverpool name is linked elsewhere.
Why it's important: More uncertainty about who'll be in the squad is just what you needed.
How it affects you: Rejoice, because there's a world of possibilities when you don't know how much money you can spend.

Better still.

Fernando Torres---a player linked with every major club on the continent---is the source of breaking news yet again. He's the second most beautiful player at the World Cup. Now you can rest easy!

Torres second 'most beautiful' - Liverpool FC_1278766408567

What it is: A miscarriage of justice, obviously.
Why it's important: It validates the hidden passion you've had since 2007.
How it affects you: You no longer have anything to hide now that you have solid empirical backing.

Maybe all a bit much to take in for one day, so pace yourself.

Once you recover from such a momentous day, there's a match to watch between Uruguay and Germany for 3rd and 4th place. And tomorrow we'll have the main event---Spain and Netherlands for the trophy. Hopefully it leaves time to run a story about why Fernando's freckles are so cute.

And remember, STANDARD CHARTERED IS WATCHING YOU.