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Torres and Reina in Bullshit Rumour Shocker

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homerscream

Slow news these days. Must mean it's about time to just start making shit up. Take it away, Daily Mirror:

Fernando Torres and Pepe Reina are ready to quit Liverpool in January thanks to secret escape clauses in their contracts.

Secret escape clauses? They're doing that now? Is that like some super secret part of new contracts signed by Torres and Reina in the summer--new contracts we never heard about--or is that just what everybody else calls "transfer requests"?

The Spain internationals made the get-out agreements with their Anfield bosses in the summer when they were persuaded to stay despite the departure of Spanish boss Rafa Benitez.

Yeah, at some point are you going to explain to us what "escape clause" means, or are you just going to keep throwing it out there because you don't actually know shit?


Now Torres and Reina, key to Roy Hodgson’s attempts to steer the club away from the relegation zone, want out after promises of major team investment went unfulfilled.

Look, Skippy, if they do want out I don't think lack of major investment is the big thing. Might be more the outdated English approach to the game, but seeing as you're an English rag I suppose that would be a blind spot I've hammered at enough of late. Fine, let's skip ahead a bit, since fair use for criticism and parody still won't let me use every one of your hackneyed "paragraphs."

Torres was talked into staying in the summer when a three man delegation flew to Madrid for secret talks with with the striker’s representatives on July 14 - three days after the World Cup Final.

Wow, if those talks were as secret as his new parachute/rocket pack/stasis chamber in a gel lined buckyball we probably wouldn't have already known about them. And we already knew about them. I suppose they're secrets to people who haven't heard about them before in the same way that the tying of shoes involves a secret method that those touched by God might not be able to suss out.

Torres and Spanish teammate Reina - a powerful voice in the dressing room - were both poised to quit Liverpool at the time with Chelsea having tabled a £50 million bid for Torres while Arsenal had offered £20 million for Reina.

Nice, rehashing tenuous summer rumours as though they're confirmed truth. Not that I'd expect any great insight on Liverpool from the Daily Mirror. Except that now they're pretending they have the scoop of the century. And I'm still waiting for them to explain what the hell they're talking about with secret escape clauses.

Torres was eventually persuaded to remain at Liverpool after three days of talks - during which the delegation described in detail plans laid out specifically by Christian Purslow, the club’s chief executive who quit last week following the sale of the club.

Torres was told the new owners - that were not identified to him - were in place and ‘days’ away from completing the Liverpool takeover.

It is claimed he was told Roy Hodgson’s appointment was a temporary measure and a big name manager was already lined up - armed with a £100 million transfer kitty offered as a ‘quick fix’ to drag the club back on terms with Manchester United, Chelsea and Manchester City.

robotnik
Somebody has a bright future at the Mirror

You know that doesn't make sense, right? I mean, aside from that you've gone an entire "article" without once writing a paragraph longer than a single sentence. But let's see if I've got this right: Torres was told that Hodgson was a short term manager as in he'd be there for all of two weeks before new owners came in and replaced him before the transfer deadline and brought a(nother) new manager with them who would then spend £100M in the last week of the window? Wow, when you spell it all out like that it makes total sense and doesn't seem like just complete bullshit. If that's the central argument of your "thesis" then you get a failing grade because it would have been more believable if you'd said, "Torres to quit in January on account of the monkeys in his butt being unhappy with the tapas available on Merseyside, and moreover his means of escape will be through said flying monkeys flying out of said butt, securing him with strands of dental floss, and floating him south to Chelsea like some giant inflatable parade balloon of Charlie Brown." Because that would have made as much fucking sense as your core argument.

Torres and Reina reluctantly agreed to stay at Anfield - but only on condition they each had an escape clause written into their contracts.

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! MORE ABOUT THE "ESCAPE CLAUSE." JUST REPEATING ESCAPE CLAUSE ESCAPE CLAUSE ESCAPE CLAUSE OVER AND OVER AGAIN WITHOUT GIVING US ANY IDEA WHAT THE HELL YOU'RE REALLY TALKING ABOUT IS INFURIATING AND I CAN'T STOP SCREAMING AND WHERE'S MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON AND IS THERE A LAW AT THE MIRROR ABOUT ONE-SENTENCE PARAGRAPHS BEING MANDATORY!?!

Mirror Sport can reveal the pair are now furious at the subsequent takeover - not directly with new American owner John W Henry or New England Sports Venture - but with the management team they feel misled them over the club’s future.

Deep breath. Count to ten. Right, so now they're pissed off about the takeover but not about the takeover because they're really pissed off with Purslow and etcetera who now doesn't work for the club. But they're pissed about the takeover. Except they're not about NESV.

I'm confused.

Representatives of Torres and Reina did not respond to attempts to contact them yesterday.

Well there's the real shocker of the century. Spin a story out of pocket lint and pubic hair--along with saying "escape clause" thirty-seven times without bothering to define just what the hell you're talking about--and be surprised when none of the primaries can be bothered to offer official comment. Screw off, Daily Mirror, your nonsensical attempt to troll Liverpool doesn't deserve a link and the corresponding glorious bump in traffic provided by the five Australians who visit this blog. I feel dumber for having taken the time to read it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.