This post was written starting at approximately 9:50PM MST, and even though hours--HOURS--will have passed by the time you it's published and read, the reality is that Liverpool will have signed no-one. That's a Craig Noone joke left at your doorstep in case it's too early for you to exercise independent thought, but this subject is far too serious for joking. It's January 15th and Liverpool have signed roughly zero players (possibly less, depending on the source), with the likes of Everton signing a guy whose jeans have pockets on top of pockets protected by a zipper and Stoke managing to keep their supporters from eating their carrier pigeons before they can escape with a loan offer and convincing players who have already been there to spend even more time there. That's how you do a transfer window, folks.
What Liverpool is doing is not that, and it's verging on intentional buffoonery, as though the club can't and won't convince other players and clubs that their sole reason for existing is to sell Liverpool the players we like to talk about on the internet.
The likely conspirators.
When they bought Liverpool it was gonna be all Jesmar Suarez all of a sudden:
So like I'll be shift leader...... Waddup? Mo money no problem— Jesmar (@Jesmar_Suarez) January 10, 2014
Indeed. Alas, now they don't want to do much of anything and haven't bought any players since the last transfer window, and haven't been willing to buy any players in January since last January.
2) The "Transfer Committee"
Okay let's be real I'm not sure who this is but they should be number one if Power Rankings were a thing that mattered. We're not entirely sure who's on said committee--likely Brendan Rodgers, the scouting team, Ian Ayre, etc. etc.--but we know they haven't exactly done a bang-up job quite yet when it comes to areas of need in the squad. Or when it comes to reading our comments and Twitter.
3) Damien Comolli
Guaranteed that Damien Comolli is set to do an interview with TalkSport or some other dubious media outlet about how good his work was and how he has the secrets to the next great transfer success. Just give FSG Carlton Cole's new number already Damien, all will be forgiven!!!
4) New Money Clubs
Also known as clubs that have been better than Liverpool recently, it's time to share the wealth. Or at least some of the players. Blaise Matuidi and Juan Mata will do, and feel free to continue to pay a hefty sum of those wages while you're at it.
5) Players Who Have Been Strongly Linked to Liverpool Already
There aren't any guarantees that things will change from here, and the best we might be able to hope for is Mohamed Salah and Emmanuel Agyemang-Badu and some other person you have no idea about but can feel disappointed in, and that's probably pretty underwhelming. But like parents, alcohol, and early adolescence, the transfer window exists solely to make us look like idiots, and as always, it's proved a smashing success so far.