Desperately Seeking Suarez: Missed Dinner Dates and Facial Hair Analysis

Clive Brunskill

Your life has been dominated by talk about a transfer away from Liverpool for Luis Suarez, and that's just as it should be. Let Twitter be your guide.

While Luis Suarez played a small part in Steven Gerrard's testimonial match against Olympiakos on Saturday afternoon at Anfield, most of the talk later in the day about the Uruguayan striker had to do with his apparent exit from the post-match festivities. A celebratory dinner capped off the occasion and was attended by most of the Liverpool squad, but a constellation of Twitter happenings--including widespread speculation that Suarez wasn't in attendance--combined to create a whole mess of drama about something that nobody knows for sure actually happened.

Also known as just Saturday.

The following is not a timeline, but more of a post-mortem celebration and eulogy of "Suarez" searches that's likely going to be repeated for the next four weeks. So maybe just don't go on Twitter, ever, for any reason at all.

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What we know is that the day started with Jamie Carragher coming back and convincing Luis Suarez to stay. I know this because Jamie Carragher was there, Luis Suarez was there, and they did something resembling talking before coming on to a wonderful reception for Suarez by the Liverpool supporters. This is the moment of moments.

All is good again--Carragher is screaming at everyone, Suarez is looking clean-cut and quick, Henderson scored a goal and then celebrated like it won the Premier League, and the skipper's later ushered off the pitch to a standing ovation. Everything is right in the universe.

Lucas, Philippe Coutinho, and Sebastian Coates in fancy dress! But...wait. Luis Suarez is always with the South Americans, because Monopoly and Guesstures and Apples to Apples and South America. Generic question/offensive joke about Sebastian Coates having a puzzilingly attractive partner? And wait, where is Luis Suarez? Why is Luis Suarez not here?

Because HE'S ESCAPING YOU IDIOTS WHAT IS THIS THE DARK KNIGHT RISES WHY IS LITERALLY EVERYONE IN A POSITION OF POWER HEADING INTO THE SEWERS AT ONCE?!? Also, In this metaphor, the sewers are the gala and the football field that gets exploded is Lime Street Station. I think.

What is the average growing rate of facial hair? Unfortunately a question that became relevant for reasons other than praying puberty away. A) Was it was actually Suarez, and 2) Could he have possibly grown a goatee in six hours without a pack of cigarettes, a flask of cheap whiskey, and a well-worn Moleskine packed with depressing short stories about men struggling to find their way in the early 20th century wool trade in Uruguay?

Jesmar Suarez--not really even related to Luis--has Rayman one and 2, and those are just good games. Good on you, Jesmar. Keep doing you.

IT'S ALL GOING OFF NOW! Luis Suarez had facial hair today, possibly even on his face, and in that one picture from the place that sends hunks of metal hurtling toward an uncertain future at reckless speeds, his face is also sprouting millimeters of hair. We are in dire straits, friends.

Around the time everyone was clicking ENHANCE on Lucas' Instagram photo--which only revealed a close-up of the inner turmoil that led to Martin Kelly's coiffure--the press started to release sensationalized versions of Brendan Rodgers' post-match quotes along with Arsene Wenger's comments that were loosely related but didn't really have anything to do with anything but were somehow combined to place the two men in a bitter struggle over a cause that everyone's bored about at this point anyway.

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What does it all mean? Whatever it is, it's not good.

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