Well Done, Secret Agent Moyes

Alex Livesey

Perhaps this season that Manchester United has suffered through hasn't been poor fortune or coincidence.

Mission accomplished.

Agent David Moyes, your task was to infiltrate the well-guarded compound of Manchester United and break their power base. They've won too often for too long, and with the retirement of their long-serving general, we had a narrow window of opportunity in which to insert someone to accomplish this task, but you were available for the task. Thanks to your well-planned history with Liverpool's local rival, no one expected that you were, in fact, an agent in the employ of Liverpool set to do as much damage to their greatest rival as possible.

Thanks to your stalling efforts, United were unable to reinforce their squad as needed, and your purposefully indifferent training methods left the squad disjointed and unsure of what to do on the pitch. You made a good show of things in the Champions League and League Cup, stretching your club's run in those competitions for as long as you could in order to pile on extra matches that your old, thin, injured squad couldn't take.

Your work in the transfer market was especially brilliant. Dragging out the saga of signing Marouane Fellaini as long as possible and adding several public failures to bring in notable players during the summer was a fantastic way to keep their squad shallow and undermanned. In the winter, spending your entire transfer budget on a player that United didn't really need was a stroke of genius, especially since he couldn't help your Champions League campaign and took a premium asset away from one of Liverpool's rivals for the league title.

And the Wayne Rooney contract. Bravo for that, Agent Moyes. First angering him so that people thought he would want to leave, then talking the board into extending an already bloated contract and giving him a raise? That was deviousness of an unparalleled level. A true masterstroke, sir, and beyond even what was expected of your time at Old Trafford.

Now, with United officially out of the Champions League next season for the first time in 20 years, on the edge of failing to qualify for Europe altogether, and far behind Liverpool in quality and standing, your task is done. Take your £25 million severance and consider your job complete. We'll be in touch, Agent Moyes.

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