In a time where I should be doing something infinitely more important, yet significantly less interesting I found myself considering how Liverpool FC and the current transfer window have many relationship metaphors, so I present to you, from the depths of Mid Wales, the (almost) complete Liverpool Relationship guide.
1. The Mkhitaryan
We've all been there, Henrikh represents the person you've secretly chased for ages, you think you're in with a good shot, you may lack the glitz and glamour of other suitors but your name still means something right? Then it all starts getting serious, their friends are telling you they like you, and you're basically there (yes Artur, I'm looking at you), you start feeling good, getting your hopes up, and bam, it emerges someone else has been talking to them while you were dallying about, a missed opportunity.
2. The Downing
(Sorry Ed) The most terrifying of prospects, a partner, probably suggested by your parents who just isn't the fit for you. They try, but sometimes it isn't enough, they say the right things, but never with enough conviction, just lacking the attitude to be a successful relationship. Inevitably your ambition and their attitude will see you part as they settle into a quiet life in a Cottage somewhere, Cravens a nice place.
3. The Henderson
In these metaphors Henderson represents 'that guy'. He's the one that everyone waxes lyrical about, mentioning his caring personality, winning smile and immaculate hair, yet inevitably no-one seems willing to take the plunge. As such the Henderson will often be found on the outside looking in as seemingly inferior people have their chance (Yes no. 2, you!) However, rest assured that this often comes with a happy ending as when handed their chance by a benevolent individual the Henderson will flourish, providing the goods everyone deep down knew they were capable of, often begging the question, what took them so long?
4. The Suarez
The most nefarious ad dangerous type to be involved with. The type you know deep down is too good for you, and is going to end in tears, but yet, you just can't get enough. Sure since you've been with them they've transgressed abit, but hey you stood by them where others wouldn't, loyalty's a good quality right. But yet, even then you know somethings not right, that Spaniard down the road is giving them the eye, you suspect their heads being turned. So in a bid of desperation, to create some space for the relationship they're having a trip back home. Next thing you know, their siblings telling you on the phone telling you they're all ready to leave you for the Spaniard, or the Londoner is Spaniard wont come in, before you know it, you're getting your keys and CDs back and wondering, why? oh, why?
5. The Toure
A simple romance, probably engineered by an internet dating site, they're a perfect match for you, possibly a bit too like your ex who's just left, but hey, experience. A couple of meetings later and they're moving in, giving everything in your home their approval. However despite how rosy this seems from the outside, it will always secretly be their sibling you want.
6. The Aspas
Finally the happy ending everyone craves, a genuine muddle of a meeting, you think you've met the parents, but turns out they weren't the registered parents, then theres the baggage with their ex to deal with, but who said love was easy. Several meetings, long distance phonecalls later, hours of seemingly waiting and you've done it, you've won. Beaten off all the competition from other suitors and got the one. You even pretend not to notice how insistent they are on leaning on things that don't exist around your house, however, a few Jay Spearing style table lamps later and you'll be fine.
7. The Gerrard
Honorable mention here for those that make it work, stick with each other through thick and thin, are always there when you need them and would do anything to get to you. Sure there's been rough patches, but they're still here now, still giving it everything they've got and never giving up on you. The Gerrard represents everything that ideologically should be.
Right that's me, back to the more important stuff. Hope at least one person enjoyed it (that would be a fairly appreciable achievement) and if anyone has any other suggestions, fire away.
Sent from my Nokia 3210.