With the vast uncertainties that plague a team during the off season, one can always take comfort in an increasingly common custom in football: players and their penchant for acquiring new tattoos. One is never enough, of course; they must continue to amass them as their careers wear on. Liverpool's current squad features a vast array of ink jobs so creative and so extensive that the club nearly qualified for Europe on the strength of its UEFA Tattoo Coefficients.
5) Luis Suarez
While his wrist tattoo of his daughter Delfina's name may be small, his incorporation of the tat into his goal celebration is what sneaks the Uruguayan into the fifth place slot. You may not yet know that Delfina also happens to be an anagram of "Anfield", making the Uruguayan's tattoo both clairvoyant and extra meaningful for Liverpool fans.
4) Andre Wisdom
The youngest entry on the list, Wisdom makes the top four due to having the smallest age-to-number-of-tattoos ratio. At only twenty, the defender is already rocking dozens of square inches of ink that could see him overtake others on this list in future years if he keeps up the same pace.
3) Glen Johnson
Johnson takes a quotable angle to his tattoos, with "Every man dies but not every man lives" appearing on his back while a three-quarter sleeve on his left arm features such inspirational messaging as "Tell me I can't and I'll show you I can" and "Everything happens for a reason." Johnson also rocks a baby face on his right shoulder, which isn't terrifying in the slightest.
2) Martin Skrtel
Skrtel is the first of our two honourees who sport full sleeves on both arms, although I'm partial to the work on his right arm featuring multiple stars. The Slovak also has "Veni Vidi Vici" inscribed across his ribcage, which may now feel slightly less accurate given his fortunes this season.
Skrtel gets bonus points for tattooing a fan during a charity event where all proceeds went to the Hillsborough families, especially since this marked his first foray into being the inker rather than the inkee.
1) Daniel Agger
If our favourite centre back bore no markings other than his immediately classic YNWA knuckle tattoo, he'd still top the list, but Agger's extensive body of work (literally) puts his teammates to shame. From the amazingly intricate back piece featuring a Viking graveyard to a pair of full sleeves and an odd Pop-Tart on a chain, the Dane is slowly running out of room for ink on his upper body, prompting him to seek out space on his thigh for a floral motif that still hasn't been fully photographed.
The only incredibly minor, almost too negligible to mention strike against him is his appalling, joint smoking, sunglasses wearing sun tattoo on the palm of his left hand. A year later and I still cannot figure out the omgwhy of this tattoo.
Unlike Skrtel, Agger is actually trained as a tattoo artist and has pledged to tattoo the entire squad should they win the league during his tenure. I think we can all agree this is should be the primary motivating factor behind all future improvements to the team.
Several former Reds have provided ink-based distractions for fans and opponents alike over the years.
The "Don't Forget to Leave a Small Patch of Uninked Skin So You Don't Suffocate" Award — Djibril Cisse and his up, down, left, right, front, back plus leopard spots approach.
To the best of our knowledge, none of the following first team members have tattoos (or at least have them in places viewed by anyone other than their significant others): Steven Gerrard (too un-Phil Collins), Jordan Henderson (too recently bicep-y), Lucas Leiva (too dad-like), Jose Enrique (too busy playing FIFA), Philippe Coutinho (too adorbs).
Previously: Liverpool Power Rankings: Hair Edition