Everything's the Worst: The DeLorean Edition

Jan Kruger

Writing before the weekend's fixtures, ETW aims to predict the future in the past. I suppose that's how the future is predicted otherwise it wouldn't be so special but you get the point.

How does one write a roundup of the weekend's action before those very games have even kicked off? It is simply impossible without the aid of the DeLorean DMC-12. I know it can actually travel through time because it was the only model that the company produced in the history of the world since the world first began whenever that was but it was quite clearly a long time ago. Why would John DeLorean's DeLorean Motor Company only manufacture one model? Somebody stopped them, that's why. If ETW had one, then this conundrum would cease to be so. Alas, the things we miss out on that could make life better.

Away from preferred methods of time travel, who would have thought Luis Suarez would be drawing praises from our own Elizabeth L before the year was out? Not me and I was one of those who thought Suarez had little defence for his transgressions in English football. To think after Suarez decided that the best course of action in a football match was to finally find out what Branislav Ivanovic tasted like, Elizabeth L would later write the following to conclude a video article on Suarez's four goals:

Today I really love Luis Suarez and I'm going to chase that feeling for a few days. Who's with me?

You can certainly count me in but it demonstrates the power of people to prove themselves through actions and possibly atone for what occurred before. Often it does not involve righting a wrong but moving forward reliably and honestly. Eliz and I were in agreement earlier in the year that one of the most unfortunate things about the Ivanovic incident was that Suarez had displayed greater maturity for much of the year before that. Since then, Suarez has been an exemplary member of the squad and was notably calm in a fiercely contested Merseyside derby. The future eh? It can surprise us in many ways that we cannot conceive.

The defeat away to Hull was surprising in its manner and still, ETW has refused to watch that game and pass judgement. It is one of those strange experience where one cannot forget but can eventually forgive. It still irks me that since Liverpool's draw against Newcastle that the only result ETW still curses and bemoans is losing to Steve Bruce's Hull. Losing to superior league leaders Arsenal, drawing against local rivals Everton in a thrilling draw, and even drawing away to ten men Newcastle can be explained away in the corner of a room called convincing yourself.

Losing to Hull? Nah. Nope. No thank you. Another time perhaps. Not right now. I think I'll pass. Not today. Unfortunately, I cannot abide by that. That's not an option that I care to explore right now. It's not me but it's you and it's actually because you're Steve Bruce's Hull so I'm sure you'll understand why we won't be surrendering three points to you. Furthermore, we have Tottenham, Man City, and Chelsea away so we'll be needing your three points to complement the ones gained against West Bromwich Albion, Norwich, and West Ham. Thank you kindly.

It was not to be and it is still hard to accept. However, not winning against West Ham would be impossible for ETW's digestive constitution. We destroyed Norwich a couple of days ago in a less than convincing performance but Luis Suarez so...um...yep. Victory. A resounding one too. That'll be one for the goal difference. Thank you West Ham for the clean sheet and minimum two goal boost to our goal difference. It was good that some of our rivals failed to win even if a couple got a lucky escape over the weekend. It was annoying that they escaped defeat in that manner as now certain defeat can be passed off as a morale boosting draw by their respective managers. It's always interesting how perception can change so quickly if your beloved side snatches a draw or victory as the match clock ticks its last tocks.

Friday hasn't even passed yet but what else do we expect to be blissfully typing away about as we look forward to travelling to Tottenham? Isn't this the only acceptable situation before meeting a rival for a top four spot? If that's the case, then ETW cannot possibly bear to type anything else. Let this be the precursor to a hearty three points for Brendan Rodgers and let Big Sam bellow repeated instructions as Liverpool outwit his side. Witness Mo Diame be one of the best players on the losing team and wonder if he could be a decent addition to our victorious squad. Clench teeth in frustration at how this could have been three wins in three as opposed to two in two if our players remained focused. Praise Luis Alberto's cameo and click your heels in delight at the return of Mamadou Sakho to the starting eleven. Listen Rodgers praise one of our players for his humanity as well as his performance. Once again, we were "outstanding" and travel to London with a consecutive winning streak at home. Away form needs to be improved but Tottenham loom. Here is an opportunity for Liverpool to place some distance between ourselves and a noted rival. Increase pressure on those who seek to snare what we believe is ours.

Of course, other results may not go the way we hoped but surely Liverpool will win. The home of Stewart Downing, Joe Cole, and Andy Carroll cannot be one that is ever happy around Merseyside so there can only be one incontrovertible outcome. Ladies and gentlemen, I implore you to avoid thoughts of the worst as we have a taxing trip to Tottenham. Let's celebrate the win against West Ham without wearisome worries as we were the winners. If this is a glorious delusion and a horrible miscalculation then cast ETW on the fiercest of hot coals for no other future is worth imagining for failing to beat Sam Allardyce is equivalent to losing to Steve Bruce. Nightmares, nightmares, nightmares.

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